We are three weeks post miscarriage and these three weeks have been hard. And there have been feelings. And confusion. And questions. And learning. And fear. And doubt. And just a roller coaster of up and down. I believe that God has a purpose and a plan for everything and I don't want this pain that we have experienced to be wasted so I want to share some things I have been learning the past few weeks as we've walked this road.
First, the ability to give God glory in the hard times does not come from being some kind of a "super believer." I feel like giving Him the glory is a matter of survival. If we don't glorify God in this, then what's it all for? In all things we seek to look to Christ for peace, strength, grace, and understanding. I'm not a perfect believer. I struggle in my walk with Christ. But I believe in the truths of the Bible and I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe He's working all things for our good and for His glory. I believe that He has a better plan for my life than I have for myself and while I don't always understand that plan I will choose to put my hope and my faith in Him and I will choose to glorify Him, especially in the hard times.
I have learned the importance of thankfulness. From the moment my fears of a miscarriage were confirmed, I have tried to look for things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that nothing takes God by surprise. I can see God's hand in the timing and the way this all unfolded. I'm learning to be grateful that the Lord entrusted this baby to us for the time He did. While I never got to hold that baby or kiss his or her sweet cheeks, and while I will never see that little one grow up, I'm thankful I was able to carry that sweet life for a while- even if it was a short while. I'm thankful that the Lord saw fit to heal our baby in Heaven so we didn't have to watch him or her suffer in this world. And I am thankful for the hope and the promise that we will see our baby when we meet Jesus in Heaven.
I have gained a new sensitivity toward people who are grieving. And I have learned that sometimes it's better to say something, even if it's not the perfect thing, than to say nothing at all. Grief from loss can be such an isolating experience and while a person going through a loss may seem like they want to be left alone, sometimes they just need for someone to be brave enough to step into the awkwardness of the pain and give them a hug. And I am so, so incredibly grateful for the people who did that for me.
But also, I have learned more about what it means to be sensitive with your words. In the past few weeks I have been asked several times about how many children we have and if we plan or want to have more. While I know these are perfectly innocent questions and they were asked by strangers or individuals who had no idea what we've experienced, they always sting a little. That's taught me to be careful with my words because who knows what a person has been through in the past or is going through right now? Words matter. And they are not easily forgotten.
Lastly, I like to build "memorial stones" like the Israelites did to remember God and what He's done. For example, we walked through a pretty tough valley back in 2011. There was one scripture we always came back to for strength and encouragement. When we came out on the other side of that trial, I had a friend paint that scripture for us and it hangs in our house. Every time we see it we're reminded of God's faithfulness during that time in our lives. Through this valley there's been several scriptures that have stuck out to me, but there's one song in particular that has really been a comfort- Michael W. Smith's "Sovereign Over Us." So I hung this in our house to be reminded of God's love and faithfulness- now and always. And seeing this gives me peace because it reminds me that God is sovereign and even though life may feel out of control right now, He is definitely in control.
And I also wanted to have something to remember our sweet baby, but in a way that would point us to Christ each time we saw it. I thought a lot about what to do for this memorial stone and looked around for ideas. I put a few different things together and came up with this:
I love this because when I see it, instead of being sad, it gives me hope and reminds me that even when life does not work out the way we want, God is still good. We prayed for this baby and rejoiced when that prayer was answered. Then we began to pray for an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy, full-term baby. When things started to go wrong, we prayed for God's protection over our baby. Even though God did not answer those prayers in the way we wanted, we know He is still good.
I hope that in reading this, you see the great big God behind our story. I hope that what we have experienced and the lessons we have learned will be able to help someone else who may be walking this same road. And more than anything, I hope you're able to see just how loving, faithful, perfect, and good our God really is.
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