What I Mean When I Say My Heart is at Home

Yesterday I completed my first week back to work after having my sweet baby boy. I was so blessed to be able to take extended maternity leave and stay home with him for 16 weeks. All throughout this week people have been asking me how things have been going and it’s so hard for me to truly answer because when I start to talk about it this lump appears in my throat and I feel the tears well up behind my eyes. So if you really want to know, here’s how it went:

This has probably been the most difficult week of my life. Every day my heart feels like it’s breaking because I have to leave my son in the care of someone else. Each day is an uphill battle because my heart aches to be at home with my baby.

While I was at home on leave I felt so relaxed, so happy, and so fulfilled. There was time to do things throughout the day. I got to spend all day with my baby, watching him learn, change, and grow. I had time to do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean my house, and cook meals. I felt like a great wife and mother. Four days back at work and I already feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, and even a teacher. I have zero time to do anything at work or at home. I am exhausted at the end of the day. Plus, I’ve been away from my son for about nine hours, why would I want to do anything when I'm at home other than hold him?

I’m not one of those people who thinks the woman’s place is in the home, but for me, that’s where I want to be. My heart is at home. My home is my domain. I want to take care of the cleaning, the cooking, and the laundry throughout the day so that when my husband comes home from working all day, he can relax and we can all spend time together as a family because there’s nothing pressing that needs to be done around the house. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed with an amazingly sweet and supportive husband. He happily shares in the household responsibilities when I’m working because he knows there’s not time to get it all done. But I hate that. I hate that after working twelve hour days, he has to come home and do more work in the evening and on his days off just so it doesn’t get out of control around here and so we have clean clothes to wear the next day and a clean plate from which to eat.

And while I’m talking about things I hate, I hate that my son’s caregivers get the best part of his day. I hate that they get about nine hours a day with him and I get about five. I hate that they see him growing and changing every day and that by the time I get him in the afternoons he’s so tired he sleeps all evening and I get maybe one hour of awake time with him. And while I am SO, SO blessed that we have amazing friends and family who love my son and take great care of him and that he’s NOT going to day care, I still hate all these things. It. Is. Just. Not. Fair. I hate that when I am with him I struggle to find joy because I look at his sweet face and cry knowing that in a few short hours I will leave him again for the day. It’s hard to enjoy the present when there’s always tomorrow morning looming over me. I hate that life is like this. Life shouldn't feel this stressful, unbalanced, overwhelming, and hurried. 

And let’s not forget about the work aspect of it all. As if it’s not enough feeling like I’m shortchanging and failing my son and my husband, I feel like I can’t keep up at work. Teaching is so rewarding. But it’s a hard job. It is stressful. It is overwhelming. I now also suffer from the guilt of feeling like I can’t even give my students my best because I’m just trying to make it through the day so I can run from that building and rush to my son. 

So how is it going? Well I’m frazzled. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m broken. I’m desperate. Desperate for God to reach down into our lives and make a way for me to be at home with him son. I’m doing the best that I can to be all that I need to be to my husband, my son, and my students. I’m doing my best to trust in the Lord and lean on Him every day for the grace and strength I need to get through it. And I’m clinging to the belief that the Lord has set this desire in my hear to be at home and that He will bring it to fruition in His time.  And I'm doing my best to be patient and to find peace and contentment in my current circumstances. But I feel like I'm in the struggle of a life time. 

So instead of asking me how it’s going or telling me it’s going to get better (it may have gotten better for you, but we’re not same person and each morning it gets harder and harder to kiss him good-bye), please just give me a hug and say a prayer for me to have strength to make it through the day.

Now I have to go hold my son and cherish this day because all too soon Monday morning will be here and I’ll be saying good-bye again. 

God's Grace is Sufficient

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~

Since I have become a mommy, this verse has become my mantra. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, anxiety-causing, rewarding, fulfilling, and joyous thing I have ever experienced. Before you have kids everyone tells you what it’s going to be like. You think you know; you think you’re prepared, but you don’t really know and you aren’t really prepared until that day comes when they put that precious little baby in your arms and send you home! It’s true what they say: a baby changes everything.

In these first three months of mommyhood my weakness has been my attitude- especially  in the middle of the night when baby decides it’s time to wake up to eat (again) and I’m so exhausted I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past three months it’s that all the ugly in your heart comes pouring out in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted and cranky. And man, do I have some ugly!

About three weeks after Cason was born, I was upset and crying because he wasn’t on a good schedule (he loved being awake between about midnight and 3AM) and he wasn’t sleeping for long periods of time. I had just read a popular parenting book and it totally derailed me emotionally. I was trying to implement the principles of this book (which was supposed to be the magic solution) and it just wasn’t working, which of course made me feel like a loser mom. I was exhausted, hormonal, and frustrated. (Word to the wise- when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived, DO NOT read books that tell you how to parent!)  During this time I sought advice from another mommy friend who said to me, “God’s power is made perfect in your weakness.” At first I was like, “Ummm…..thanks?”  While it stuck in my brain, it didn’t exactly sink in. A few nights later that verse popped up in my devotion and the significance of it really hit me and I realized she did know what she was talking about after all. J I knew what I needed was a heart transformation so my attitude would improve, but heart transformations are hard and they usually take time. Our sin nature doesn’t just change overnight. So for the next few weeks this verse became my anthem. I committed it to memory and repeated it over and over when I felt myself becoming frustrated at whatever the situation was- when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing as a mom, when I was super tired and not happy about waking up for a 3 AM feeding, when I experienced a parenting fail, or when I was irritated that my sweet husband could somehow sleep through the cacophony of a screaming baby- and that he even had the luxury of sleeping for more than two hours at a time!

Even though life has greatly improved from those first few weeks of no sleep, there are still new obstacles and challenges to overcome every day. And just when I think we have Cason on a good schedule and it’s smooth sailing, he throws us a little change and we have to adjust all over again. The bottom line is this: I can’t do any of this parenting stuff on my own. I can’t do the hard things (like waking up joyfully in the middle of the night for a feeding and a diaper change, or extending grace to my husband who is still sleeping because he has to get up and work in two hours)  in my own strength. These are my weaknesses and God’s grace is sufficient to keep me going and get me through. And when I can wake up with joy, extend grace to my sleeping husband and my crying son, and feel like I have it together as a mom (for that one second!), I know it’s not because of me, but because of God’s grace and His power that rescued me in my weakness. It’s in my weaknesses that Christ’s power is magnified; therefore, I will boast of my weaknesses in hopes that I can glorify the Lord, His power, and His workings in my life.

It’s the nights that I recognize my need for God’s power in my life and that I lean on that power to be made perfect in my weakness that I can go about my mommy duties with happiness and joy. And then I can look at the times I’m up with my son in the middle of the night (although they are, thankfully, occurring less and less) and be thankful for that sweet time with him to hold him, feed him, breathe his sweet baby smell, cuddle with him, and pray over him. All too soon these days will be over and the opportunities to spend this type of quality time with him will be gone forever.  

I’m thankful the Lord never leaves me where I am, but constantly uses even the most normal, mundane opportunities to teach me things about myself and about Him as He refines the areas in my life that need it. And by God’s grace, I will be able to complete the difficult tasks ahead of me with joy and with grace as I rest on his power to be made perfect in my many weaknesses.