What I Mean When I Say My Heart is at Home

Yesterday I completed my first week back to work after having my sweet baby boy. I was so blessed to be able to take extended maternity leave and stay home with him for 16 weeks. All throughout this week people have been asking me how things have been going and it’s so hard for me to truly answer because when I start to talk about it this lump appears in my throat and I feel the tears well up behind my eyes. So if you really want to know, here’s how it went:

This has probably been the most difficult week of my life. Every day my heart feels like it’s breaking because I have to leave my son in the care of someone else. Each day is an uphill battle because my heart aches to be at home with my baby.

While I was at home on leave I felt so relaxed, so happy, and so fulfilled. There was time to do things throughout the day. I got to spend all day with my baby, watching him learn, change, and grow. I had time to do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean my house, and cook meals. I felt like a great wife and mother. Four days back at work and I already feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, and even a teacher. I have zero time to do anything at work or at home. I am exhausted at the end of the day. Plus, I’ve been away from my son for about nine hours, why would I want to do anything when I'm at home other than hold him?

I’m not one of those people who thinks the woman’s place is in the home, but for me, that’s where I want to be. My heart is at home. My home is my domain. I want to take care of the cleaning, the cooking, and the laundry throughout the day so that when my husband comes home from working all day, he can relax and we can all spend time together as a family because there’s nothing pressing that needs to be done around the house. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed with an amazingly sweet and supportive husband. He happily shares in the household responsibilities when I’m working because he knows there’s not time to get it all done. But I hate that. I hate that after working twelve hour days, he has to come home and do more work in the evening and on his days off just so it doesn’t get out of control around here and so we have clean clothes to wear the next day and a clean plate from which to eat.

And while I’m talking about things I hate, I hate that my son’s caregivers get the best part of his day. I hate that they get about nine hours a day with him and I get about five. I hate that they see him growing and changing every day and that by the time I get him in the afternoons he’s so tired he sleeps all evening and I get maybe one hour of awake time with him. And while I am SO, SO blessed that we have amazing friends and family who love my son and take great care of him and that he’s NOT going to day care, I still hate all these things. It. Is. Just. Not. Fair. I hate that when I am with him I struggle to find joy because I look at his sweet face and cry knowing that in a few short hours I will leave him again for the day. It’s hard to enjoy the present when there’s always tomorrow morning looming over me. I hate that life is like this. Life shouldn't feel this stressful, unbalanced, overwhelming, and hurried. 

And let’s not forget about the work aspect of it all. As if it’s not enough feeling like I’m shortchanging and failing my son and my husband, I feel like I can’t keep up at work. Teaching is so rewarding. But it’s a hard job. It is stressful. It is overwhelming. I now also suffer from the guilt of feeling like I can’t even give my students my best because I’m just trying to make it through the day so I can run from that building and rush to my son. 

So how is it going? Well I’m frazzled. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m broken. I’m desperate. Desperate for God to reach down into our lives and make a way for me to be at home with him son. I’m doing the best that I can to be all that I need to be to my husband, my son, and my students. I’m doing my best to trust in the Lord and lean on Him every day for the grace and strength I need to get through it. And I’m clinging to the belief that the Lord has set this desire in my hear to be at home and that He will bring it to fruition in His time.  And I'm doing my best to be patient and to find peace and contentment in my current circumstances. But I feel like I'm in the struggle of a life time. 

So instead of asking me how it’s going or telling me it’s going to get better (it may have gotten better for you, but we’re not same person and each morning it gets harder and harder to kiss him good-bye), please just give me a hug and say a prayer for me to have strength to make it through the day.

Now I have to go hold my son and cherish this day because all too soon Monday morning will be here and I’ll be saying good-bye again. 

God's Grace is Sufficient

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~

Since I have become a mommy, this verse has become my mantra. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, anxiety-causing, rewarding, fulfilling, and joyous thing I have ever experienced. Before you have kids everyone tells you what it’s going to be like. You think you know; you think you’re prepared, but you don’t really know and you aren’t really prepared until that day comes when they put that precious little baby in your arms and send you home! It’s true what they say: a baby changes everything.

In these first three months of mommyhood my weakness has been my attitude- especially  in the middle of the night when baby decides it’s time to wake up to eat (again) and I’m so exhausted I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past three months it’s that all the ugly in your heart comes pouring out in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted and cranky. And man, do I have some ugly!

About three weeks after Cason was born, I was upset and crying because he wasn’t on a good schedule (he loved being awake between about midnight and 3AM) and he wasn’t sleeping for long periods of time. I had just read a popular parenting book and it totally derailed me emotionally. I was trying to implement the principles of this book (which was supposed to be the magic solution) and it just wasn’t working, which of course made me feel like a loser mom. I was exhausted, hormonal, and frustrated. (Word to the wise- when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived, DO NOT read books that tell you how to parent!)  During this time I sought advice from another mommy friend who said to me, “God’s power is made perfect in your weakness.” At first I was like, “Ummm…..thanks?”  While it stuck in my brain, it didn’t exactly sink in. A few nights later that verse popped up in my devotion and the significance of it really hit me and I realized she did know what she was talking about after all. J I knew what I needed was a heart transformation so my attitude would improve, but heart transformations are hard and they usually take time. Our sin nature doesn’t just change overnight. So for the next few weeks this verse became my anthem. I committed it to memory and repeated it over and over when I felt myself becoming frustrated at whatever the situation was- when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing as a mom, when I was super tired and not happy about waking up for a 3 AM feeding, when I experienced a parenting fail, or when I was irritated that my sweet husband could somehow sleep through the cacophony of a screaming baby- and that he even had the luxury of sleeping for more than two hours at a time!

Even though life has greatly improved from those first few weeks of no sleep, there are still new obstacles and challenges to overcome every day. And just when I think we have Cason on a good schedule and it’s smooth sailing, he throws us a little change and we have to adjust all over again. The bottom line is this: I can’t do any of this parenting stuff on my own. I can’t do the hard things (like waking up joyfully in the middle of the night for a feeding and a diaper change, or extending grace to my husband who is still sleeping because he has to get up and work in two hours)  in my own strength. These are my weaknesses and God’s grace is sufficient to keep me going and get me through. And when I can wake up with joy, extend grace to my sleeping husband and my crying son, and feel like I have it together as a mom (for that one second!), I know it’s not because of me, but because of God’s grace and His power that rescued me in my weakness. It’s in my weaknesses that Christ’s power is magnified; therefore, I will boast of my weaknesses in hopes that I can glorify the Lord, His power, and His workings in my life.

It’s the nights that I recognize my need for God’s power in my life and that I lean on that power to be made perfect in my weakness that I can go about my mommy duties with happiness and joy. And then I can look at the times I’m up with my son in the middle of the night (although they are, thankfully, occurring less and less) and be thankful for that sweet time with him to hold him, feed him, breathe his sweet baby smell, cuddle with him, and pray over him. All too soon these days will be over and the opportunities to spend this type of quality time with him will be gone forever.  

I’m thankful the Lord never leaves me where I am, but constantly uses even the most normal, mundane opportunities to teach me things about myself and about Him as He refines the areas in my life that need it. And by God’s grace, I will be able to complete the difficult tasks ahead of me with joy and with grace as I rest on his power to be made perfect in my many weaknesses. 

A Love Like No Other

I’ve been doing some thinking about this week we call Holy Week. For some reason this year it has hit me in a whole new way. This is my 27^th Easter and while it has always been an important season to celebrate, the real magnitude of it is sinking in this time, deeply sinking in. Yes I have always understood what Easter means. It means that Jesus Christ committed an act of utmost mercy when He knowingly faced persecution, torture, and death on the cross so that we, dirty, broken, and undeserving sinners, might have eternal life and not receive the punishment of death we so richly deserve. But perhaps one thing I have never deeply considered is the events of Holy Week in their entirety. I started thinking about all this on Palm Sunday and then I stumbled upon John Piper’s book Love to the Uttermost: Devotional Readings for Holy Week. And wow, is this really transforming my thinking!

 I always go about Palm Sunday like it’s a normal day, not really stopping to reflect upon the fact that on that day Jesus “set his face towards Jerusalem,” which means He knew full well He was setting his face towards death. When he entered Jerusalem that day, He knew what was coming and He knew the price He would be paying for all of us. He knew He would be persecuted, beaten, tortured, and then hung on a cross to die with the weight of the world’s sin on His shoulders.  And He did all of this of His own free will. I go about Good Friday like it’s just a normal day, not stopping to think about how on this day, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and paid the ultimate price: He died on the cross to save me from my sins and was buried in a tomb. Instead, what I always seem to focus on is the celebration of His resurrection from the dead on Easter Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a phenomenal thing to celebrate because without His death and resurrection life would be a hopeless waste for all of us. But this year, the events leading up to that resurrection mean so much more to me. I wonder how, for so many years, I have been able to go about the days of this week so normally, never stopping to give thought or honor to what my Jesus must have been experiencing in these days leading up to His death all those years ago. He was, after all, human, just like you and me.

This week I am striving to fix my gaze on Jesus Christ and to remember, appreciate, and be humbled by what He endured during His final week on earth as He prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save me and you. And you know, given how much and how often we fail Him, and how we can so easily go on about our days, consumed with our lives, never giving thought, homage, or even a simple “thank you” to the price He paid for us, if He had it to do all over again, you know He would in a heartbeat.

That is a love like no other.

“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” Titus 3:5

Download your free copy of Piper’s book and allow the intense love of the Father to transform you, too.

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/books/love-to-the-uttermost

Goodness and Grace

 Many of you are aware of the struggles and trials our family has gone through the past few weeks with O’Neal’s sister Stacy’s  illness. While it’s true these have been physically, emotionally, and mentally difficult days, it’s even more true that God has been at work during every single minute. I am excited to share just one of the examples of how God has been so good and gracious during this journey. On January 10^th we were told by the doctors that Stacy only had about 24 hours to live (thankfully they were wrong and she's still with us!). Just six days from then O’Neal and I were scheduled to find out the gender of our baby. Stacy was so excited to know if she would have a niece or nephew and we didn't even want to think about the possibility that she might not be here to find out.  That night I asked a nurse if it would be possible to get an ultrasound done in the hospital so we could tell Stacy the gender. I figured it would be a long shot and there’d be lots of red tape and insurance issues. It seemed our time was short and I was concerned it would be difficult to work out; I prayed that God would somehow make it happen so we could tell Stacy this good news. The next morning my mother-in-law saw one of the doctors…and not the one we expected to see that day. She explained to Dr. Lowery the situation and asked what she could do for us. It turned out that Dr. Lowery’s husband does sonography for OB oncology and he happened to be working that day. (Although we know none of this was coincidence or happenstance, but God orchestrating the situation.)  Amazingly, within thirty minutes, Dr. Lowery’s husband was standing outside Stacy’s door with a resident who had swiped an ultrasound machine. Not only were they able to tell us the gender that day, but they were able to do the ultrasound in the room with Stacy where she could see for herself! It was one of the most special and amazing moments of our lives and we were all overwhelmed by the greatness of God. Not only did God answer our prayer, but He did so in ways greater than what we expected. I was simply hoping for an ultrasound somewhere in that hospital, never did I imagine we’d get a machine in the room so we could all share this together! We share this story as a testimony to the depth of the Father’s love for us and how He will lavish us with His goodness and grace, even in the darkest times. We truly serve a mighty and loving God! 

A New Perspective

O’Neal and I very recently took a seven day cruise around the Western Caribbean. We sailed on the largest cruise boat in the world. Seriously. It was Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas. In addition to being the largest boat in the world, this particular one also boasts several “onlys” like being the only cruise boat to have a Zip line, a FlowRider , a carousel, and a rock climbing wall. It has over 24 restaurants, three theaters, an ice skating rink, mini golf, Central Park (modeled after the real deal in New York City), and a top notch spa and fitness center - just to name a few features. To say the least, anyone breathing would stand on this ship and be in awe. And we definitely were.

This cruise took us to three places in the Caribbean: Haiti, Jamaica, and Mexico. Before boarding the boat, I had expectations of visiting these beautiful places and being wowed, amazed, and in awe of the beautiful waters, pristine beaches, and gorgeous sights and scenes. And I definitely was. However, there was something that I saw and experienced that I never imagined I would on a vacation such as this: poverty. In Jamaica and Mexico we drove through towns that were dirty, run down, and falling apart. We passed houses that were not much more than a few sticks, some sheet metal, and a tarp. There were communities without running water and electricity. In Jamaica, people put large buckets on top of their houses to catch the rain water so they can cook, drink, wash clothes, etc. I think Haiti was the worst. It is known for being an impoverished, and even dangerous, country where people still live in mud huts without running water and electricity. It is truly a developing country. However, in each of these three cities, our tour guides, all natives of their respective countries, were sure to tell us how much they enjoy, appreciate, and rely on American tourists. In Haiti, our guide said the town of Labadee has almost doubled in size thanks to Royal Caribbean purchasing a portion of their land. People flocked to the town to get a better job and make a better life for their family. In the words of our guide, “Thanks to Royal Caribbean and tourists like you, we now having water, electricity, and internet in Labadee.” Talk about an eye-opener. Here we are, over 6,000 individuals from over 70 countries enjoying our several thousand dollar vacation and here are people just happy to have running water and the opportunity to make more money to provide for their families. That brought new meaning to the word “conflicted.” I spent half the time feeling like I was doing a good thing by purchasing their goods and services. But then I spent the other half feeling ashamed because I have so much and they have so little.

It was no different on the boat. Most of the 2,400 crew members of the Allure are from countries other than the US. They leave their families to travel around on the boat for seven months straight, with no days off in between, just so they can provide a better way of life for their spouses, children, and parents. Our waiter was from Trinidad and Tobago. One night he was asking us about what we thought of the boat. He gave us his opinion: it was so big and had so much that it was just plain ridiculous. Who in the world needs a boat with all this stuff? Isn’t just being able to enjoy the beautiful waters of the Caribbean with your friends and family while being able to experience other countries enough? While we were talking about the boat and all its impressive attributes, the word excessive came to mind. Oh, and all the while you’re cruising on this magnificent boat and visiting these beautiful countries, heaven forbid you lift a finger to do anything for yourself. (We determined that when your kid spills a drink on the floor and doesn’t clean it up because that’s what the staff is for, you’ve got problems.)

Don’t get me wrong. We had a marvelous time on our vacation. We loved everything we got to see and experience and we are so thankful that God gave us the opportunity to go on such a nice vacation. We are so grateful. It was a blessing to be able to spend so much time together and to get away from the pressures, obligations, and responsibilities of life. However, I came home feeling so thankful for what we have in America. I know our country isn’t perfect, but at least I have electricity, running water, and a solid roof over my head. At least my husband doesn’t have to leave our family for months on end just to make a better paycheck so we can survive.  I came back a little more relaxed, a little more rested, a little tanner, and a lot more aware of just how much I take my life and the things in it for granted. Who knew God could use a little vacation to teach me so much? 

A New Summer Means a New Beginning

As a teacher, I tend to measure years according to the school calendar. To me, the start of a new school year is more of a turning point or an opportunity for a new start than the beginning of a new calendar year. What’s so spectacular about looking at new beginnings this way is you have the whole entire summer to reflect upon the past year and to prepare for a fresh start in August.  This is a large part of why I’m so thankful for summer vacations. For teachers, these weeks consist of much needed days of rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation. It’s during this time that I tend to take a look back to the past year, inventory its events, and classify it as being a good year or a bad year. Looking back on this year, it is by far the hardest year I have ever had, both personally and professionally. However, if there’s one thing I have learned through all of it, it’s that God is faithful and He is so, so good. So, here's the story: 

The day of last year’s open house was the day our lives turned upside down. We had knowingly walked into a pretty significant change in our lives, fully believing this was where God was calling us. However, we had no idea just how much our lives would change and how difficult things would become. Long story short, we walked through the darkest and deepest valley for many weeks before the Lord delivered us from it. While it was the hardest thing we have ever had to face, we learned so much.  God was SO faithful to us, He was so good, and He provided in ways that could only be explained as God. While going through this time, we still felt (and do to this day) that God brought us there. Why He allowed us to experience such a difficult time we may never fully know, but God in His infinite wisdom had a perfect plan for us. During these months we grew as individuals, grew as believers, and grew as a husband and a wife. While tough times often rip married couples apart, this only strengthened our marriage as we clung more closely to the Lord and to each other every day.  

Although we have hit many other hurdles this year after that valley- surprise you have mono, unruly and challenging students, stresses and pressures at work, family illness, starting a new business, finishing a specialist degree, etc.- every obstacle pales in comparison to that time of trial. Maybe that’s why the Lord allowed us to go there. Now we certainly have a better perspective on difficulties in life and a deeper faith and a greater reliance on the Lord. Now that we are out of the valley, we can look back on it with a deeper understanding of who God is and who we are. While we don’t ever want to experience a trial like that again, we are thankful that we did, and wouldn’t trade the lessons we learned through it for anything.

I’m always in awe of how big God is, how much He cares for us, and just how faithful He is. When thinking about how God was with us then and how He’s with us now, I’m reminded of a song by Matt Redman called Never Once: Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did You leave us on our own, You are faithful, God, You are faithful. Every step we are breathing in Your grace, Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise, You are faithful, God, You are faithful. This is where I want to be every day: depending on the Lord 100% for every breath, every step, and every moment of every day.

Sometimes my awe of the Lord just bubbles up inside me and it has to escape. At times, I want to climb a mountain top and proclaim His goodness and grace. No one may ever read this, but if anyone does, I pray that in this you see a testimony to the goodness and steadfastness of our Lord Jesus Christ. I leave you with this verse from Lamentations 3:22-24: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” I pray that we will never forget God’s goodness and his favor on our lives, that we will always remember that each day brings with it new mercies, that we will constantly be reminded of the great faithfulness of the Lord, and that our souls will patiently hope in the Lord for He will be our portion.