Is God Good?

Is God good? I think that's probably a question that anyone facing adversity asks themselves. I know the answer to this. It's a resounding yes. How do I know? Because I've seen the evidence of God's goodness in my life more times than I can count. I've seen His goodness in the lives of others around me and I have read about His goodness in the Bible. But even though my heart knows the answer is yes I sometimes find myself still struggling with this when life gets hard or I'm praying for something an the answer is "no" or "wait" instead of the immediate "yes" I was looking for. I think (at least for me) the problem lies in comparison. When I begin to compare my life or my circumstances to the life and circumstances of those around me. I wonder why life seems to be so easy for some. Why things just seem to "work out" for others and not for me. And then I begin to ask those dangerous questions: What did I do wrong and why is God punishing me? Why doesn't He give me all the desires of my heart? It's when I find myself going in this direction that I have to get a little perspective so I stop and list the things in my life that are evidence of God's goodness. Things like my husband, our beautiful baby, a roof over our heads, a full refrigerator, a loving family, some pretty awesome friends, the godly legacy of my parents and grandparents, good health, my salvation, and the list goes on.

Even in the small trials God's goodness is evident. An example (and an update for those who want to know): Back in September we went to Memorial for Cason to have his modified Barium Swallow test. Thankfully it was not nearly as scary or traumatizing as I thought it would be and the feeding team at Memorial is made up of some wonderful ladies who are very knowledgeable, great with kids, and put us at ease right away. They had Cason sit in a little booster chair and I fed him a variety of things that had the Barium on it. While he ate and swallowed they took x-rays. He took everything like a champ and all things considered, did really well. The x-rays showed no abnormalities and no issues with swallowing. While he was eating, the therapists saw that he wasn't really chewing properly or enough and that he was unable to properly move the food to the back of his throat to swallow it. They said this lack of chewing skills in addition to his gag reflex and aversions to textures is causing the problem.  His diagnosis is "oral phase dysphagia." (Don't Google it, it's scary!)

The recommendation was food therapy to help him learn how to tolerate textures and handle solids. He had his first therapy session in October and it was pretty interesting. She gave us some things to try at home to slowly increase the texture and thickness of his food. She also gave us a little chewy tube he's supposed to chew on. He did really well with the foods we gave him, but we got too confident and he had an episode at the end of his session and threw everything up. While that always gives me anxiety, I am thankful it happened in front of the therapist so she could see what happens.

We just went back for his second session the week of Thanksgiving and she was very impressed with his progress. She said his chewing skills improved and that his lateral tongue movement is better which gives him better control over his food as he moves it around his mouth. He ate some things that two months ago would have cause him to gag and throw up. (Praise!) We have some new "homework" for this month and will see her again in a few weeks.

I think that recognizing God's goodness, even in the hard times and even in the little things (or maybe "especially" would be the better word), breeds thankfulness. And we sure do have a lot to be thankful for! While the progress is going to be slow we are thankful to have such a knowledgeable and patient therapist to work with us. While dealing with this can be stressful sometimes and often causes worry, we are thankful because we have a healthy, happy baby and in time, we know he will overcome this hurdle. In fact, just the other day he grabbed a (small) hunk off my Swiss Cake Roll (don't judge me!) and ate it with no problem! See the remnants below.....

We appreciate all the concern for Cason and everyone who checks in on how's he doing. Most of all we appreciate prayers for his improvement, our patience, and our continued faith that the Lord has a plan and in His abundant goodness and grace,  He's working all things for our good.

"For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations."
Psalm 100:5

Accentuating the Positive!

Today was the day. The day I've not been looking forward to. The day I had to go back to work and leave my favorite little boy at home. :( As much as I want to be negative and complain,complain, complain, I'm not going to! Instead, I'm going to focus on the positive and think about the pretty exciting summer our family was blessed to enjoy!

Last summer Cason was brand new so we pretty much locked ourselves in the house and didn't go anywhere. This summer was a different story! With Cason being a year old, there was so much more we could do to enjoy our time at home together and there were lots of things he got to experience for the first time.

We kicked off the summer season with a super fun mustache bash to celebrate our little man’s first birthday. We were joined by many family and friends to celebrate the blessing that Cason is to us and the joy he brings to all of our lives. It’s so hard to believe he’s one already!  I’m not really sure where the past year went! As sad as it is that my baby is growing up so quickly, it’s also really fun to watch him grow and change and learn new things. He constantly amazes me with his huge personality, gifted little brain, and all the cute that just oozes from his very being. (I’m not biased or anything!)

We spent the month of June preparing to move into our very first home. After many hurdles, frustrations, setbacks, and a lot of prayers, we finally closed on June 30^th. We started moving right away and it took us about four days to get everything out of the old house and into the new one. There’s no way we could have done it without the selfless help of several friends and family members who worked tirelessly to help us complete this endeavor. For the record, I don’t ever want to move again!!!

One week after closing on our house, we headed off to Athens. I had to go up to UGA to get my AP Language certification and I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my two guys for an entire week, so O’Neal (being the awesome husband and daddy that he is) took a week’s vacation and he and Cason went with me. Even though I was in class every day, it was so great being up there with my two guys. We got to see each other at lunch and on some of my breaks. When I was finished with class we spent the evenings walking campus and downtown Athens. Cason loved being outside so much, he would cry every time we went back into the hotel room! And O'Neal and Cason enjoyed hanging out together while I was in class.  

The week after we got back from Athens, Cason had his appointment with the pediatric GI specialist. Since he was about nine months old he has been unable to tolerate foods with weird textures or chunks. His pediatrician said it could be a GI issue, or it could be a sensitivity to textures. She referred us to the GI specialist to rule out any GI problems he could have before we look at food therapy for a texture sensitivity. The visit didn’t give us any definite answers like we had hoped, but thankfully, was not as traumatic or scary as I was afraid it would be. The doctor basically took a history and asked me a bunch of questions and concluded that it could be reflux, or it could be two other things: asthma he will grow out of or Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE).  Basically, his case is kind of puzzling. For now they are taking the least invasive route and treating him for reflux. He’s on medicine that we will try for two months. We have a follow up in September and will then determine if the medicine is helping. If not, then it’s on to some testing to see what they can find. We’re praying it’s just as simple as reflux and that it can be controlled with medicine and he will grow out of it quickly and soon be able to eat normally.

This last week Mom and Dad told me they were heading to Florida for a few days to visit some family. So Cason and I decided to squeeze in one last little road trip while we could and we crashed Mom and Dad’s mini vacay. But they promised they didn’t mind! J We had fun seeing some family and just spending time together. We really missed Daddy while we were gone, though!

I’ve also gotten in a few crafting projects this summer like this cool wreath for our front door, 

these little books of cards (birthday, special occasions, meaningful notes, etc.) for each member of the family,

and this pretty sweet growth chart to track how much our little man is growing.

I also worked hard to de-clutter and organize as we moved into our new home. We even had a garage sale to dump our extra stuff! I’ve had lots of fun getting us settled and starting to decorate the house to help make it a home. The blinds finally got installed yesterday and that's made a big difference. It doesn't really feel like home when you're using bed sheets for blinds! We still have plenty to do to really be "settled," but such is the life of a home owner, right?!

Other than that I've spent time doing one of the most important things and that's snuggling and playing with this sweet boy...

Before I headed back to work this morning, the Lord dumped a pretty poignant devotion in my inbox. It reminded me that God sees me and He knows my heart. I just have to remember to trust Him and His timing and know that He has a plan for me and that I have a purpose to fulfill where He has placed me right now. It's my prayer that as I daily enter the mission field that is my classroom, my students will see Jesus in me. And of course, I'll be remembering that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

Encouragement For the Working Mom

There seem to be a lot of blogs flooding my Facebook news feed lately. These blogs are geared toward moms. Specifically moms who stay at home. Well I’m a working mom and I know there are a lot of other working moms out there, too. Whether it’s intentional or not, these blogs make me feel inferior as a mom and like I’m doing something horribly wrong by working outside the home. They make me feel like I don’t truly experience motherhood because I don’t stay with my baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  They seem to highlight all the things I am missing. And trust me. I don’t need to be reminded of this because it weighs on my mind all the time. Every day when I go to work I leave a huge piece of my heart at home and I don’t get it back until I walk through that door every afternoon and that sweet baby is in my arms. I would give anything to be the one who gets to hold my baby when he naps during the day. Who gets to comfort him when he cries. Hear his belly laughs all day long. Watch him do something new for the first time. I hate being made to feel like I’m less of a mom because I work outside the home. I hate being made to feel like I’m not fulfilling God’s purpose for my life and like my life as a mom is not difficult, demanding, or even important. And I hate being made to feel like I don’t trust God because I don’t just throw my hands up in the air, quit my job and shout “God will provide!” (That may have been where the Lord led you, but that is not where God is leading my family.) Maybe all these feelings are justified. Or maybe they are all fabricated in my head because my heart is at home and that’s not where I get to be.

I was able to stay at home with Cason for sixteen weeks after he was born. Sure it was difficult, exhausting, demanding, and so very hard to accomplish anything that felt remotely productive throughout the day. But now I’m back to work and for me, it is ten times harder. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. And even spiritually. I’m thankful I’m in the teaching profession because I only work 190 days a year and get relatively long breaks here and there to be home with him. I CHERISH those days. Cherish them so much that sometimes I practically barricade the door and sit at home all day and just hold my little boy. Just me and him. And when nothing gets done around the house on those days I don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt. But oh I wish those days could be my every day.

I always get nervous when I post a blog because I'm always afraid of offending someone unintentionally. Please know this is not a post about which is harder- working or staying at home. They are both difficult and for very different reasons. But I know I can’t be the only one who struggles with these feelings and who is tired of being made to feel inferior.This is simply a blog post for working moms, because we all need a little encouragement that’s written specifically for us. So here goes…….

You are a great mom. You are doing what is necessary or what is best for your family. You may be going to work because you have to. My heart aches for you. Or you may be going to work because you choose to. And that’s okay, you’re a great mom. But either way, you’re probably tired. What you’re doing is hard. Your baby might not sleep through the night, so neither do you. Then you get up and go to work for eight hours, ten hours, twelve hours. You don’t get to go back to sleep after that early morning feeding. You don’t get to nap when your baby naps. You spend all day at work under the demands and pressures that are placed on you there. And you’re exhausted. Then you come home. There’s a baby (or babies) who have missed you and who want your attention. They want your time, your kisses and snuggles. They need to be fed. Bathed. Read to. Played with. You have a husband who needs your attention, too, because after all, before you were a mommy, you were a wife. And you have a house- a house that needs to be cleaned. You have groceries that need to be bought. Laundry that needs to be washed, folded, and put away. Dinner that needs to be cooked. Lunches that need to be made. And all the while you’re exhausted. But you keep on doing it with a smile on your face (most of the time) because you are an awesome mom and because you love your family so much it hurts. And because you want to do the most you can for your family to the best of your ability and you pour everything you have into working hard both inside and outside of the home.  You are trying to be all things for all the different people in your life- wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc. And that is so very hard sometimes. And you might not have time to fix healthy, completely organic meals made from scratch because you’d rather sit and rock your baby after that long, exhausting day you just had. That’s okay. You might not have time to do those awesome crafts you pinned the other day because you’d rather read a book or snuggle on the couch. And that’s okay. Your house might not be spotless because you’d rather spend time playing on the floor with your kids. And that’s okay. Or you could be like me and when you actually get to wash the clothes they sit on a chair until you wear them and they are dirty again. And you know what? That’s okay. Give yourself a break. Let go of that pressure you feel to “measure up” to those other women who have an extra eight, ten, or twelve hours a day at home. Know that for you the most important thing is time. Time spent with your husband. Time spent with your kids. One of the many things I have learned in my eight short months of being a mom- time goes by way too fast. Read all the books you can. Give all the hugs and snuggles you can. Spend as much time as you can sitting, rocking, snuggling, kissing, singing, reading, and smelling that sweet baby’s head because that baby will not be little forever. When your kids are grown then you can have the perfectly kept house, the laundry that is always folded, the to-do list that actually gets accomplished, and the meals that are organic and made from scratch. In the meantime, take a deep breath, extend yourself some grace and realize that what you are doing is difficult, amazing, and selfless all at once. And you’re amazing at being a working mom and juggling it all. You truly are superwoman. What you are doing matters. And no you can’t do all. But guess what? No one can.

And if you’re in a position where you can be a stay at home mom and you’re still reading, please do me a favor: If you have friends who are working moms, please encourage them. Please tell them how awesome they are and how wonderful it is that they are working so hard to take care of their family. And most of all- please pray for them. For grace, strength, energy, wisdom, and patience. Because working moms need all these things, too. 

What I Mean When I Say My Heart is at Home

Yesterday I completed my first week back to work after having my sweet baby boy. I was so blessed to be able to take extended maternity leave and stay home with him for 16 weeks. All throughout this week people have been asking me how things have been going and it’s so hard for me to truly answer because when I start to talk about it this lump appears in my throat and I feel the tears well up behind my eyes. So if you really want to know, here’s how it went:

This has probably been the most difficult week of my life. Every day my heart feels like it’s breaking because I have to leave my son in the care of someone else. Each day is an uphill battle because my heart aches to be at home with my baby.

While I was at home on leave I felt so relaxed, so happy, and so fulfilled. There was time to do things throughout the day. I got to spend all day with my baby, watching him learn, change, and grow. I had time to do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean my house, and cook meals. I felt like a great wife and mother. Four days back at work and I already feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, and even a teacher. I have zero time to do anything at work or at home. I am exhausted at the end of the day. Plus, I’ve been away from my son for about nine hours, why would I want to do anything when I'm at home other than hold him?

I’m not one of those people who thinks the woman’s place is in the home, but for me, that’s where I want to be. My heart is at home. My home is my domain. I want to take care of the cleaning, the cooking, and the laundry throughout the day so that when my husband comes home from working all day, he can relax and we can all spend time together as a family because there’s nothing pressing that needs to be done around the house. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed with an amazingly sweet and supportive husband. He happily shares in the household responsibilities when I’m working because he knows there’s not time to get it all done. But I hate that. I hate that after working twelve hour days, he has to come home and do more work in the evening and on his days off just so it doesn’t get out of control around here and so we have clean clothes to wear the next day and a clean plate from which to eat.

And while I’m talking about things I hate, I hate that my son’s caregivers get the best part of his day. I hate that they get about nine hours a day with him and I get about five. I hate that they see him growing and changing every day and that by the time I get him in the afternoons he’s so tired he sleeps all evening and I get maybe one hour of awake time with him. And while I am SO, SO blessed that we have amazing friends and family who love my son and take great care of him and that he’s NOT going to day care, I still hate all these things. It. Is. Just. Not. Fair. I hate that when I am with him I struggle to find joy because I look at his sweet face and cry knowing that in a few short hours I will leave him again for the day. It’s hard to enjoy the present when there’s always tomorrow morning looming over me. I hate that life is like this. Life shouldn't feel this stressful, unbalanced, overwhelming, and hurried. 

And let’s not forget about the work aspect of it all. As if it’s not enough feeling like I’m shortchanging and failing my son and my husband, I feel like I can’t keep up at work. Teaching is so rewarding. But it’s a hard job. It is stressful. It is overwhelming. I now also suffer from the guilt of feeling like I can’t even give my students my best because I’m just trying to make it through the day so I can run from that building and rush to my son. 

So how is it going? Well I’m frazzled. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m broken. I’m desperate. Desperate for God to reach down into our lives and make a way for me to be at home with him son. I’m doing the best that I can to be all that I need to be to my husband, my son, and my students. I’m doing my best to trust in the Lord and lean on Him every day for the grace and strength I need to get through it. And I’m clinging to the belief that the Lord has set this desire in my hear to be at home and that He will bring it to fruition in His time.  And I'm doing my best to be patient and to find peace and contentment in my current circumstances. But I feel like I'm in the struggle of a life time. 

So instead of asking me how it’s going or telling me it’s going to get better (it may have gotten better for you, but we’re not same person and each morning it gets harder and harder to kiss him good-bye), please just give me a hug and say a prayer for me to have strength to make it through the day.

Now I have to go hold my son and cherish this day because all too soon Monday morning will be here and I’ll be saying good-bye again. 

God's Grace is Sufficient

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~

Since I have become a mommy, this verse has become my mantra. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, anxiety-causing, rewarding, fulfilling, and joyous thing I have ever experienced. Before you have kids everyone tells you what it’s going to be like. You think you know; you think you’re prepared, but you don’t really know and you aren’t really prepared until that day comes when they put that precious little baby in your arms and send you home! It’s true what they say: a baby changes everything.

In these first three months of mommyhood my weakness has been my attitude- especially  in the middle of the night when baby decides it’s time to wake up to eat (again) and I’m so exhausted I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past three months it’s that all the ugly in your heart comes pouring out in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted and cranky. And man, do I have some ugly!

About three weeks after Cason was born, I was upset and crying because he wasn’t on a good schedule (he loved being awake between about midnight and 3AM) and he wasn’t sleeping for long periods of time. I had just read a popular parenting book and it totally derailed me emotionally. I was trying to implement the principles of this book (which was supposed to be the magic solution) and it just wasn’t working, which of course made me feel like a loser mom. I was exhausted, hormonal, and frustrated. (Word to the wise- when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived, DO NOT read books that tell you how to parent!)  During this time I sought advice from another mommy friend who said to me, “God’s power is made perfect in your weakness.” At first I was like, “Ummm…..thanks?”  While it stuck in my brain, it didn’t exactly sink in. A few nights later that verse popped up in my devotion and the significance of it really hit me and I realized she did know what she was talking about after all. J I knew what I needed was a heart transformation so my attitude would improve, but heart transformations are hard and they usually take time. Our sin nature doesn’t just change overnight. So for the next few weeks this verse became my anthem. I committed it to memory and repeated it over and over when I felt myself becoming frustrated at whatever the situation was- when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing as a mom, when I was super tired and not happy about waking up for a 3 AM feeding, when I experienced a parenting fail, or when I was irritated that my sweet husband could somehow sleep through the cacophony of a screaming baby- and that he even had the luxury of sleeping for more than two hours at a time!

Even though life has greatly improved from those first few weeks of no sleep, there are still new obstacles and challenges to overcome every day. And just when I think we have Cason on a good schedule and it’s smooth sailing, he throws us a little change and we have to adjust all over again. The bottom line is this: I can’t do any of this parenting stuff on my own. I can’t do the hard things (like waking up joyfully in the middle of the night for a feeding and a diaper change, or extending grace to my husband who is still sleeping because he has to get up and work in two hours)  in my own strength. These are my weaknesses and God’s grace is sufficient to keep me going and get me through. And when I can wake up with joy, extend grace to my sleeping husband and my crying son, and feel like I have it together as a mom (for that one second!), I know it’s not because of me, but because of God’s grace and His power that rescued me in my weakness. It’s in my weaknesses that Christ’s power is magnified; therefore, I will boast of my weaknesses in hopes that I can glorify the Lord, His power, and His workings in my life.

It’s the nights that I recognize my need for God’s power in my life and that I lean on that power to be made perfect in my weakness that I can go about my mommy duties with happiness and joy. And then I can look at the times I’m up with my son in the middle of the night (although they are, thankfully, occurring less and less) and be thankful for that sweet time with him to hold him, feed him, breathe his sweet baby smell, cuddle with him, and pray over him. All too soon these days will be over and the opportunities to spend this type of quality time with him will be gone forever.  

I’m thankful the Lord never leaves me where I am, but constantly uses even the most normal, mundane opportunities to teach me things about myself and about Him as He refines the areas in my life that need it. And by God’s grace, I will be able to complete the difficult tasks ahead of me with joy and with grace as I rest on his power to be made perfect in my many weaknesses. 

A Love Like No Other

I’ve been doing some thinking about this week we call Holy Week. For some reason this year it has hit me in a whole new way. This is my 27^th Easter and while it has always been an important season to celebrate, the real magnitude of it is sinking in this time, deeply sinking in. Yes I have always understood what Easter means. It means that Jesus Christ committed an act of utmost mercy when He knowingly faced persecution, torture, and death on the cross so that we, dirty, broken, and undeserving sinners, might have eternal life and not receive the punishment of death we so richly deserve. But perhaps one thing I have never deeply considered is the events of Holy Week in their entirety. I started thinking about all this on Palm Sunday and then I stumbled upon John Piper’s book Love to the Uttermost: Devotional Readings for Holy Week. And wow, is this really transforming my thinking!

 I always go about Palm Sunday like it’s a normal day, not really stopping to reflect upon the fact that on that day Jesus “set his face towards Jerusalem,” which means He knew full well He was setting his face towards death. When he entered Jerusalem that day, He knew what was coming and He knew the price He would be paying for all of us. He knew He would be persecuted, beaten, tortured, and then hung on a cross to die with the weight of the world’s sin on His shoulders.  And He did all of this of His own free will. I go about Good Friday like it’s just a normal day, not stopping to think about how on this day, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and paid the ultimate price: He died on the cross to save me from my sins and was buried in a tomb. Instead, what I always seem to focus on is the celebration of His resurrection from the dead on Easter Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a phenomenal thing to celebrate because without His death and resurrection life would be a hopeless waste for all of us. But this year, the events leading up to that resurrection mean so much more to me. I wonder how, for so many years, I have been able to go about the days of this week so normally, never stopping to give thought or honor to what my Jesus must have been experiencing in these days leading up to His death all those years ago. He was, after all, human, just like you and me.

This week I am striving to fix my gaze on Jesus Christ and to remember, appreciate, and be humbled by what He endured during His final week on earth as He prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save me and you. And you know, given how much and how often we fail Him, and how we can so easily go on about our days, consumed with our lives, never giving thought, homage, or even a simple “thank you” to the price He paid for us, if He had it to do all over again, you know He would in a heartbeat.

That is a love like no other.

“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” Titus 3:5

Download your free copy of Piper’s book and allow the intense love of the Father to transform you, too.

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/books/love-to-the-uttermost

Goodness and Grace

 Many of you are aware of the struggles and trials our family has gone through the past few weeks with O’Neal’s sister Stacy’s  illness. While it’s true these have been physically, emotionally, and mentally difficult days, it’s even more true that God has been at work during every single minute. I am excited to share just one of the examples of how God has been so good and gracious during this journey. On January 10^th we were told by the doctors that Stacy only had about 24 hours to live (thankfully they were wrong and she's still with us!). Just six days from then O’Neal and I were scheduled to find out the gender of our baby. Stacy was so excited to know if she would have a niece or nephew and we didn't even want to think about the possibility that she might not be here to find out.  That night I asked a nurse if it would be possible to get an ultrasound done in the hospital so we could tell Stacy the gender. I figured it would be a long shot and there’d be lots of red tape and insurance issues. It seemed our time was short and I was concerned it would be difficult to work out; I prayed that God would somehow make it happen so we could tell Stacy this good news. The next morning my mother-in-law saw one of the doctors…and not the one we expected to see that day. She explained to Dr. Lowery the situation and asked what she could do for us. It turned out that Dr. Lowery’s husband does sonography for OB oncology and he happened to be working that day. (Although we know none of this was coincidence or happenstance, but God orchestrating the situation.)  Amazingly, within thirty minutes, Dr. Lowery’s husband was standing outside Stacy’s door with a resident who had swiped an ultrasound machine. Not only were they able to tell us the gender that day, but they were able to do the ultrasound in the room with Stacy where she could see for herself! It was one of the most special and amazing moments of our lives and we were all overwhelmed by the greatness of God. Not only did God answer our prayer, but He did so in ways greater than what we expected. I was simply hoping for an ultrasound somewhere in that hospital, never did I imagine we’d get a machine in the room so we could all share this together! We share this story as a testimony to the depth of the Father’s love for us and how He will lavish us with His goodness and grace, even in the darkest times. We truly serve a mighty and loving God!