Capturing the Moment

The boy who made me a mom recently turned four. FOUR! His birthday always makes me mushy an emotional wreck sentimental nostalgic.

Lately I've been reminded of how precious life is and that our little guy (just like every other baby) is a miracle. He is a picture of God's goodness and grace. And he teaches me so much about myself. Being his mama is humbling- especially when I see the worst parts of myself spewing out of him! He has more energy than I could ever dream of having. He's vivacious. And creative. And silly. And playful. And just full of life. (Also strong willed as they come and determined as the day is long, but I'm certain those qualities will serve him well one day.) He LOVES people.

I snapped this picture of him the other day when we were playing in the backyard. He's just growing so fast. I wanted to freeze this moment of time and capture the little details of my baby boy- who, much to my dismay, is not really a baby anymore. I love this picture because it captures so much of his personalty and his little toddler quirks and preferences.

Here he is.

Playing in his pajamas
Shoes without socks
Outside

Everything about this picture is a detail I wanted to remember. If we don't have to go anywhere he wants to stay in his pjs all day so he "won't be cold." (But who doesn't want to stay in pjs all day?) When he goes to play outside he just throws on his tennis shoes and doesn't bother with socks. His favorite place to be is outside. He can play outside for hours- even if he has no one to play with! His great big imagination keeps him plenty occupied.  I love all these details of his cute, quirky little personality and I don't want to forget them.

Every time he has hit a new stage, said or done something funny, or changed in any way, I always tell myself, "I'll never forget this." But it happens. I forget so much as the days go by. But I don't want to forget the sound of his little toddler voice. The look of his chubby little wrists and his round baby face (because those features are looking less little baby and more and more little boy every day😭)The sound of his laugh. The way he can perfectly impersonate a t-Rex. How he lives in a constant state of imagination filled with dragons, dinosaurs, and Rescue Bots. His preferences for clothing, snacks, games, toys, etc. Or how he went through a phase where he only talked like Sid the Sloth. Or the cute names he has for certain objects (like we call Oreos "chocolate milk" in our house). Or the funny way he says certain words and phrases (elphanent, granilla bar, basiketball).

So I try my best to capture these details. To help me remember what I will inevitably forget. Because it's true what they say. The days are long but the years are short. And I don't want to forget one detail about this sweet, precious gift- this boy who made me a mommy.

A Kiss From Jesus

Y'all. I just need to take a minute and testify.

Apart from a brief twelve day stint at work in early August, I have been enjoying some very sweet days at home full time since the end of May. Anyone who knows me knows that my heart's desire is to be at home with my babies.

This past week was my first week at work after Darcy's birth. It was all you would expect: crazy, overwhelming, and exhausting.  One of the things that makes me the saddest about not being home, is knowing that the chances of me missing many "firsts" within the first year are pretty high. With Cason I prayed about that a lot. And God is so very gracious that He allowed me to be present for all of Cason's first moments. From his first smiles to his first steps I was there. I can't even begin to tell you the gratitude I feel for being able to witness every one of those moments. I figured expecting that the second time around might be asking a bit much.

I've been trying really hard to be a big girl and not to complain, but this past week my heart was a bit heavy as the reality of what it means to be away from my babies all day hit me again. On Friday night, after a long and draining week, I was on the couch with Darcy and all of a sudden, she threw back her head and let out the most beautiful little laugh. Over and over again. Her first real belly laughs. It was music to my ears and nearly brought me to tears. It was like a kiss from Jesus, and a salve to this tired mama's soul.

I am so grateful I serve a God who knows me. Who sees me. And who gives me just what I need at the exact moment I need it.

Finding Meaning in the Mourning

I guess know that I'm somewhat of a control freak. Because of this, I have the need to make meaning out of just about everything- especially the hard things. I have a hard time accepting that things happen just because, so I tend to think about things to figure them out. A LOT. And writing helps me process all those things I'm thinking.

We are three weeks post miscarriage and these three weeks have been hard. And there have been feelings. And confusion. And questions. And learning. And fear. And doubt. And just a roller coaster of up and down. I believe that God has a purpose and a plan for everything and I don't want this pain that we have experienced to be wasted so I want to share some things I have been learning the past few weeks as we've walked this road.

First, the ability to give God glory in the hard times does not come from being some kind of a "super believer." I feel like giving Him the glory is a matter of survival. If we don't glorify God in this, then what's it all for? In all things we seek to look to Christ for peace, strength, grace, and understanding. I'm not a perfect believer. I struggle in my walk with Christ. But I believe in the truths of the Bible and I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe He's working all things for our good and for His glory. I believe that He has a better plan for my life than I have for myself and while I don't always understand that plan I will choose to put my hope and my faith in Him and I will choose to glorify Him, especially in the hard times.

I have learned the importance of thankfulness. From the moment my fears of a miscarriage were confirmed, I have tried to look for things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that nothing takes God by surprise. I can see God's hand in the timing and the way this all unfolded. I'm learning to be grateful that the Lord entrusted this baby to us for the time He did. While I never got to hold that baby or kiss his or her sweet cheeks, and while I will never see that little one grow up, I'm thankful I was able to carry that sweet life for a while- even if it was a short while. I'm thankful that the Lord saw fit to heal our baby in Heaven so we didn't have to watch him or her suffer in this world. And I am thankful for the hope and the promise that we will see our baby when we meet Jesus in Heaven.

I have gained a new sensitivity toward people who are grieving. And I have learned that sometimes it's better to say something, even if it's not the perfect thing, than to say nothing at all. Grief from loss can be such an isolating experience and while a person going through a loss may seem like they want to be left alone, sometimes they just need for someone to be brave enough to step into the awkwardness of the pain and give them a hug. And I am so, so incredibly grateful for the people who did that for me.

But also, I have learned more about what it means to be sensitive with your words. In the past few weeks I have been asked several times about how many children we have and if we plan or want to have more. While I know these are perfectly innocent questions and they were asked by strangers or individuals who had no idea what we've experienced, they always sting a little. That's taught me to be careful with my words because who knows what a person has been through in the past or is going through right now? Words matter. And they are not easily forgotten.

Lastly, I like to build "memorial stones" like the Israelites did to remember God and what He's done. For example, we walked through a pretty tough valley back in 2011. There was one scripture we always came back to for strength and encouragement. When we came out on the other side of that trial, I had a friend paint that scripture for us and it hangs in our house. Every time we see it we're reminded of God's faithfulness during that time in our lives. Through this valley there's been several scriptures that have stuck out to me, but there's one song in particular that has really been a comfort- Michael W. Smith's "Sovereign Over Us." So I hung this in our house to be reminded of God's love and faithfulness- now and always. And seeing this gives me peace because it reminds me that God is sovereign and even though life may feel out of control right now, He is definitely in control.

And I also wanted to have something to remember our sweet baby, but in a way that would point us to Christ each time we saw it. I thought a lot about what to do for this memorial stone and looked around for ideas. I put a few different things together and came up with this:

I love this because when I see it, instead of being sad, it gives me hope and reminds me that even when life does not work out the way we want, God is still good. We prayed for this baby and rejoiced when that prayer was answered. Then we began to pray for an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy, full-term baby. When things started to go wrong, we prayed for God's protection over our baby. Even though God did not answer those prayers in the way we wanted, we know He is still good.

I hope that in reading this, you see the great big God behind our story. I hope that what we have experienced and the lessons we have learned will be able to help someone else who may be walking this same road. And more than anything, I hope you're able to see just how loving, faithful, perfect, and good our God really is.

A Little Life Lesson on I-95

It’s funny how much parenthood can teach you about yourself. And how much being a parent can teach you about the Lord.

I was driving down I-95 the other day with Cason in the car and I was getting cold, so I grabbed one of his blankets from the back seat. A blanket, might I add, that he didn’t even know existed until I touched it. Not two seconds after I took that blanket I hear this shrill, “MIIINNEEE!!!” from the back of the car. And for (what felt like) five minutes, Cason repeatedly reminded me that the blanket was HIS and HE NEEDED THAT!!!

My first thought was what a little sinner! And I began to contemplate how evident the ugliness of the sinful heart is in a little two year old. Because they don’t hold anything back and what’s in their hearts comes out of their mouths! And seeing this as a teachable moment I proceeded to talk to Cason about how the blanket wasn’t really his and how great it was to share with others and that he wasn’t even using it anyway so it shouldn’t matter. None of that changed his mind at the moment, but I’m believing, hoping, and praying that the truths uncovered in these teachable moments will sink in one day!

So there I was, slightly amused and even judging my little toddler for his sinful toddler ways and at that moment the Lord gently spoke to my heart and said, “How many times do you act in the same selfish way, but you just keep those feelings on the inside? How often do you say of your time, talents, resources, finances, even possessions:  “MIINEEE!!!?” The only difference between a toddler and an adult is that toddlers say what’s on their hearts in the moment. But adults (usually) have the self-control to keep those feelings on the inside. This selfishness doesn’t (usually) manifest itself in the form of high-pitched shrieks and flailing arms and legs. But nevertheless, the heart attitude is the same, isn’t it?

While driving down I-95, what I thought was a teachable moment for my precious son ended up being a teachable moment for me. I often think that God must react to my shenanigans the same way I do to my son’s, but without the judging and with a lot more grace! And just as I desire with Cason, I know the Lord desires that the lessons behind these teachable moments will sink in one day, resulting in a heart change. While I definitely can’t say my heart is completely selfless now, I can say that I’m a little more aware of my selfish tendencies and a little more purposeful to take inventory of the state of my naturally selfish and sinful heart. And like in all things, by God’s grace may I become a little more selfless each day and may attitudes like “MIIIIINEEE” flow less and less from the heart of this sinner.Because after all, everything I have (my time, talents, resources, possessions, family, etc.) belongs to Him.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14   

The Emotions of Motherhood

Tonight as I watched my baby boy sleeping in his new big boy bed the night before he turns two, suddenly there was a lump in my throat and my eyes began to fill with tears. And I wondered- how did we get here so fast? It's so cliche I know, but I swear we just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. And I blinked and now he's turning two. And everyone always told me (well people still do) that it goes by so fast, so cherish it. I promise that I know it goes by fast. And I promise I'm cherishing every moment. But I also promise it is still flying by because one thing I do know, is that you just can't slow time down.

I don't even think I have the words to express the way this feels, but I'll give it a shot:

It's so hard, this watching your kid grow up thing. I honestly never knew I could love someone so much. Sometimes I feel like my heart may literally burst I feel so much love for him. And it only grows with each passing day. Watching him grow, change, and learn these past two years has been wonderful and fun and just plain joyous. His little personality is really beginning to shine. It's so amazing watching this little baby turn into a little person with his own opinions, ideas, and ways of doing things. Even in the midst of his little toddler attitude it's easy to see the kind of person he's becoming. He is kind and helpful. He's funny and silly, strong-willed and independent and has so much energy. And he's smart, too. He fills up our home and our lives with love, laughter, and joy. He's already taught us so much about patience, love, and living life to the fullest. Since becoming his parents we've learned about priorities and what really matters in life- making memories and spending time with the ones you love. It's just hard to remember life without him.

While I'm so happy he has the chance to grow up and experience life and (prayerfully) do great things for God, selfishly I want him to stay little forever. Because I'm not sure how many more times I can handle feeling that little squeeze on my heart when I think about him getting older. Starting school one day. Driving (eek!). Going to college. And (I can barely say it)....moving out, getting married, and having a family of his own. I know it'll be here in the blink of an eye. It's inevitable. It's part of life.

So I'll stare at him a little longer while he sleeps. Whisper prayers over him a little more often. Kiss his little face and tell him I love him a few more times each day. Thank God again for the gift of being this little guy's mommy. And work a little harder at cherishing each moment- even though I know it does nothing to slow down the speed at which life seems to be rushing by. And maybe one day I'll learn how to handle this watching your kid grow up thing. (And now I'm going to go have myself a good cry.)

Happy second birthday baby boy! May you always know how very much you are loved and cherished.

Xoxo

That Break We Had...Back in the Spring

Well Spring Break was a little while ago, but I have literally not. had.time. to sit down and post about our trip to DC. I know summer break is here and all, but just roll with me on this one. :)

We have some good friends in the DC area we wanted to see and we decided it would be super fun to take a toddler on a 10 hour road trip for Spring Break. I mean, if that's not your definition of fun, I don't know what is! We armed ourselves with a bucket of toys, books, snacks, and the I-Pad. We worked hard to entertain him and we prayed. A lot. Up until this point we'd been the no TV kind of parents and had decided no matter how rough things got in the car we would not break out the TV. We wanted him to learn how to entertain himself while he was in the car. In preparation for this loooonnggg drive, we flipped his seat around to face forward and put him in the middle of the backseat so he would be close to us and he could see everything. And we brought the IPad. Just in case of an emergency.

We left Easter Sunday around 8 PM and drove for several hours. We made it to Fayetteville, NC and stopped for the night. For the most part, Cason did pretty well in the car. We got up Monday morning and set out on the road again, next stop: DC! We planned to see Arlington National Cemetery and the National Mall in one day if we could swing it, The weather was supposed to be pretty bad the rest of the week so we reserved museums for those days. But as we all know, you just can't move as fast with a little one in tow. That didn't stop us from having our grand ambitions, though! We had to drive about 5 and 1/2 hours to get to Arlington from NC and we hit some pretty heavy traffic as we got into the city. Cason did pretty well. He slept some, and ate lots of goldfish and cheerios, but as we got closer to the city and into the traffic he started to get.....annoyed. So in a moment of desperation we broke out Curious George. Anything to get us to DC in one piece and with all our nerves in tact. George did the trick and Cason was a happy little guy the last hour of the drive. We made it to Arlington and were pulling INTO the parking garage when all of a sudden we hear the noise every parent dreads: the sound of the upchuck. Projectile. All over the car. And did I mention it was like a 100 degrees that day?! What was actually worse than the throw up was the realization that our child gets carsick and watching TV in the car-the one thing that was keeping everyone sane- would not be an option any longer. And all we could think about was the 10 hour drive we had back home at the end of the week. After seriously contemplating flying home and just buying a new car when we got back or simply relocating to DC without our belongings, we decided to try our best to forget the impending reality of the ride home and just enjoy our trip. Arlington was enjoyable and Cason loved being outside. However, after being strapped in the car seat for two days, guess who flat out refused to sit in the stroller? We even tried to tell him he could sit in it without being strapped down, but he didn't believe us. So, we were the crazy couple toting the toddler and pushing an empty stroller all over DC.

After Arlington it was late, the car smelled, and we were tired and hungry, so we skipped the National Mall and checked into our hotel. We rode a little shuttle bus to a nearby mall (which was awesome because car seats aren't required on the shuttle) and had dinner in the food court. O'Neal then decided our next vehicle purchase will be a 25 passenger van. Because hey, if it makes the kid happy, it must be good, right?!

Tuesday morning we got up and drove into the city but after about an hour, couldn't find a place to park (Hello Cherry Blossom Festival!). We drove out of the city and to our friends' house- they were our whole reason for going to DC in the first place. We were staying with them the rest of the week and spending time with them was the highlight of our trip! We hung out there for a while to rest and recover, then we went to the metro station and hopped a train back into DC. Too bad we can't just use a train to get everywhere because Cason LOVED riding that thing! We walked the National Mall and saw all the cool monuments but again, Cason flat out refused to sit in that stroller, and sometimes flat out refused to walk, so we (and when I say we I mean mostly O'Neal) carried him everywhere. (I know what you're thinking: the baby leash didn't work either. It has buckles and in his mind buckles equal restraint and that's a big fat no). We also walked over to the White House and took pictures in front of it. (Side note: we tried getting tickets for a tour but got denied. Unbelievable.) After walking 457 miles with a pretty cranky toddler who threw intermittent tantrums, we hopped back on the metro and went back to Ben and Faith's for a relaxing and fun evening.

Wednesday we went into DC again to see some museums. This time we ditched the stroller and loaded ourselves down like pack mules with the basic necessities for a day in the city with a toddler (translation: everything but the kitchen sink). We visited the Holocaust Museum and the Air and Space Museum. Those were pretty cool, but super crowded. It was overcast and damp so I'm assuming everyone else had the same idea we did: get inside. Visiting the Holocaust Museum was really powerful. I teach a unit on this every year and I've always wanted to visit the museum. Third time in DC and I finally had the opportunity.

Thursday we went to Mount Vernon, the home of George Washington. That was probably the coolest thing we saw on the trip.We visited the distillery and the mill and then walked his plantation, which was beautiful. That night, Ben and Faith were super gracious and watched Cason for us for a little while so we could go out on a date. We walked their two-story Target (which had an escalator for buggies!) and then drove to downtown Alexandria which was really beautiful. It reminded me of a cross between Savannah and Charleston and is now definitely on our list of places to go and stay for a while.

Friday was the dreaded drive home. We left that morning around 11AM and I am telling you, we prayed like never before. And had many others praying for us as well. I was a bundle of nerves and felt like we were riding with a ticking time bomb in the back seat. I wasn't sure if he was going to barf everywhere (we'd purposefully been doing very short distances in the car throughout the week just in case it wasn't the TV after all but facing forward that made him sick) or come completely unglued. I'm pretty sure we could go on the road as child entertainers because we pulled out all the stops that day to keep the little guy happy. We tried to stop every 2-3 hours to give him a break and let him run around a bit and each time he got back in the car seat without too much of a protest. Maybe it was because Faith told him that Curious George gets in his car seat when he goes places. That worked the first time he went in the car that day and we've been using it ever since. (Thanks Faith!) Around 9 PM we were about 45 minutes from home. Cason did well all day long and the end was finally in sight so I began to breathe...just a little. I was driving about 80 miles an hour down 95 in the left lane and all of a sudden our front right right tire blew. Praise the Lord we were able to pull over and I never lost control of the car. But it was very scary being on the side of 95 and O'Neal changing a tire on the traffic side of the road with it being pitch black outside. We were out there for about an hour and a half but with the help of his parents who kindly drove out there to meet us, O'Neal got the spare on and we were off again.

                                                     

 

(On the side of I-95!)

I don't think I have ever been so happy to see home in my life! We were basically comatose for two days trying to recover from just the ride home I think! Overall, we had a really fun time. Our fellowship with our friends was wonderfully refreshing and we enjoyed spending time together as a family. We saw some cool things and made some good memories and God reminded us of His provision, protection, and faithfulness in all things.

People keep asking up what we're doing this summer and our answer is always the same: staying home! :)

To my precious son: Please stop growing!

Y'all. I. Cannot. Deal.

My baby boy is almost TWO! I look at him and I wonder where in the world did the time go? Didn't we just bring him home from the hospital yesterday?!

I have to know- how do parents do this?! This whole watching your kid grow up thing. I have never known such a bittersweet feeling as the one I feel when I look at him and see the amazing little boy he is and think of the amazing little baby he used to be- yesterday!! Before Cason was born I promised myself that I would be good about cherishing each moment and not wasting time each day with things that don't matter but instead focus on the playing, the reading, the cuddling, and the making of the memories becauae it does go by fast. But then when I blinked and almost two years have gone by I have to stop and wonder: am I really making each moment count? Or have I gotten so swept up in life that I'm again consumed with "busyness" that causes me to focus on the less important things more than focusing on what truly matters?

As a working mom, it's hard to find balance. (Yes. I'm going there again. Can't help it. This is my life.) It's tough (or impossible?) working an 8-9 hour a day job and then coming home around 5:00 and trying to squeeze in several hours worth of other "work" (cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, other errands/activities that are necessary) along with dinner, bath time, fun, and making memories with your family- all before bedtime rolls around. After having a baby, I think it's safe to say I'm about 1/3 as productive as I used to be before I became a mom. And for this type A girl, that's a big deal. I think I'm learning to live with the fact that for every two things I cross off my to-do list, I have to add four more because it just takes that long to get things done. Slowly but surely I'm coming around and learning to not let that bother me. Because I have one shot at this motherhood thing and I want to do it right. Because I don't want my son growing up thinking I don't pay attention to him because I'm too busy doing "things" that I think are necessary (like who cares if that basket of laundry doesn't get folded, or those dishes don't get loaded tonight, or that speck of dirt on the floor has to stay there for a few days?! Okay, most of the time I do. But I'm really working at trying to care less!)  And I don't want Cason growing up and being unable to remember me taking time to do fun things like playing on the floor with him, reading books, playing in the yard, or just talking to him because I was so busy being "busy at home." And I don't want to look at him on his graduation day and say "I wish I would have." Sure I do all of those fun "making memories" things and I purpose to sit down and just focus on Cason each day but often I fear I don't do it enough. So here's to being more intentional about living in the moment and remembering my priorities. Because man did they change the minute I first laid eyes on that precious baby.

And to any other moms who who are on this same road of denial that your child is growing up all while trying to find "balance" before your child goes to college- take heart mama! You're doing a great job! We will find a balance between having time to accomplish all the menial tasks each day requires and participating in and cherishing all the small, but oh so precious moments in between.

I don't really know what this post is about (I think I started in one place and ended in another). I suppose it's about motherhood. That it's hard. And scary (terrifying even!). And exhausting. And confusing. But it's also fun. And exciting. And joyful. And challenging. And well.......it's just awesome. But will somebody please stop the clock so my baby can stay a baby just a while longer?!

Blessed?

I read a blog post a few weeks ago titled  "Christians: Stop Saying You're Blessed." I really liked what this author had to say and it got me thinking,

I looked up the word "blessed" in the dictionary and this is what I found:

adjective

1.

consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified:

the Blessed Sacrament.

2.

worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship:

the Blessed Trinity.

3.

divinely or supremely favored; fortunate:

to be blessed with a strong, healthy body; blessed with an ability to find friends.

4.

blissfully happy or contented.

When we use the term in the sense I'm talking about, I think we usually mean it in regards to being divinely or supremely favored. I think it would be safe to say that many of us only say we're blessed when things are going well. We got that promotion. We got a new house. We got that new job. A friend or family member has been healed from illness. A prayer has been answered. A bill has been paid. Your husband remembered your birthday or brought you flowers and chocolate for no reason. Sure those are all blessings. But what about when things aren't going so well for us? What about when we get passed up for that promotion or the contract on the house fall through? When we don't get that new job, that friend or family member is not healed, our prayer goes unanswered, or your husband forgot your birthday or never brings you gifts just because? Are we still blessed? Well yes we are, but I will be bold and say that many of us don't tend to recognize it as readily in times of hardship.

This article also made me think about the times when good things happen and we share our "blessings," with others (which is super easy nowadays thanks to social media). How must that make others feel who might not be having such good times right now? When they scroll through their Facebook feed to see about a dozen #blessed statuses I bet it makes those hardships sting that much more. When times are hard do we look at the blessings of others and think we might not be blessed because things just aren't working out? Or maybe we're not as favored as others? I would venture to say we do, and that's a lie straight from the enemy.When I think of being blessed in terms of being "divinely or supremely favored; fortunate" I realize that I'm blessed in all circumstances no matter how good or bad. Why? Because Jesus Christ was born and then died to rescue me from my sins so that I may have eternal life in Him. I'm not sure how much more "divinely or supremely favored" one can get than that right there!

I'm not suggesting we should quit using this term altogether, but that maybe we should be considerate of how often we use it and under what circumstances. The hubs and I had a conversation about this and we decided we would purpose to only use the word "blessed" in times of hardship and that we would try to use words like "thankful" and "grateful" or even "undeserving" when referring to the "blessings" God has given us: His provision in our lives, the prayers He answers, the circumstances from which He delivers us, etc. We want to always remember that even when we are walking through a trial, we still have God's blessings in our lives. And whether we are in the valley or on the mountaintop, we are undeserving of all His gifts and we are always "divinely or supremely favored." And for that we are thankful and stand amazed at the goodness of our God.

Is God Good?

Is God good? I think that's probably a question that anyone facing adversity asks themselves. I know the answer to this. It's a resounding yes. How do I know? Because I've seen the evidence of God's goodness in my life more times than I can count. I've seen His goodness in the lives of others around me and I have read about His goodness in the Bible. But even though my heart knows the answer is yes I sometimes find myself still struggling with this when life gets hard or I'm praying for something an the answer is "no" or "wait" instead of the immediate "yes" I was looking for. I think (at least for me) the problem lies in comparison. When I begin to compare my life or my circumstances to the life and circumstances of those around me. I wonder why life seems to be so easy for some. Why things just seem to "work out" for others and not for me. And then I begin to ask those dangerous questions: What did I do wrong and why is God punishing me? Why doesn't He give me all the desires of my heart? It's when I find myself going in this direction that I have to get a little perspective so I stop and list the things in my life that are evidence of God's goodness. Things like my husband, our beautiful baby, a roof over our heads, a full refrigerator, a loving family, some pretty awesome friends, the godly legacy of my parents and grandparents, good health, my salvation, and the list goes on.

Even in the small trials God's goodness is evident. An example (and an update for those who want to know): Back in September we went to Memorial for Cason to have his modified Barium Swallow test. Thankfully it was not nearly as scary or traumatizing as I thought it would be and the feeding team at Memorial is made up of some wonderful ladies who are very knowledgeable, great with kids, and put us at ease right away. They had Cason sit in a little booster chair and I fed him a variety of things that had the Barium on it. While he ate and swallowed they took x-rays. He took everything like a champ and all things considered, did really well. The x-rays showed no abnormalities and no issues with swallowing. While he was eating, the therapists saw that he wasn't really chewing properly or enough and that he was unable to properly move the food to the back of his throat to swallow it. They said this lack of chewing skills in addition to his gag reflex and aversions to textures is causing the problem.  His diagnosis is "oral phase dysphagia." (Don't Google it, it's scary!)

The recommendation was food therapy to help him learn how to tolerate textures and handle solids. He had his first therapy session in October and it was pretty interesting. She gave us some things to try at home to slowly increase the texture and thickness of his food. She also gave us a little chewy tube he's supposed to chew on. He did really well with the foods we gave him, but we got too confident and he had an episode at the end of his session and threw everything up. While that always gives me anxiety, I am thankful it happened in front of the therapist so she could see what happens.

We just went back for his second session the week of Thanksgiving and she was very impressed with his progress. She said his chewing skills improved and that his lateral tongue movement is better which gives him better control over his food as he moves it around his mouth. He ate some things that two months ago would have cause him to gag and throw up. (Praise!) We have some new "homework" for this month and will see her again in a few weeks.

I think that recognizing God's goodness, even in the hard times and even in the little things (or maybe "especially" would be the better word), breeds thankfulness. And we sure do have a lot to be thankful for! While the progress is going to be slow we are thankful to have such a knowledgeable and patient therapist to work with us. While dealing with this can be stressful sometimes and often causes worry, we are thankful because we have a healthy, happy baby and in time, we know he will overcome this hurdle. In fact, just the other day he grabbed a (small) hunk off my Swiss Cake Roll (don't judge me!) and ate it with no problem! See the remnants below.....

We appreciate all the concern for Cason and everyone who checks in on how's he doing. Most of all we appreciate prayers for his improvement, our patience, and our continued faith that the Lord has a plan and in His abundant goodness and grace,  He's working all things for our good.

"For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations."
Psalm 100:5

Accentuating the Positive!

Today was the day. The day I've not been looking forward to. The day I had to go back to work and leave my favorite little boy at home. :( As much as I want to be negative and complain,complain, complain, I'm not going to! Instead, I'm going to focus on the positive and think about the pretty exciting summer our family was blessed to enjoy!

Last summer Cason was brand new so we pretty much locked ourselves in the house and didn't go anywhere. This summer was a different story! With Cason being a year old, there was so much more we could do to enjoy our time at home together and there were lots of things he got to experience for the first time.

We kicked off the summer season with a super fun mustache bash to celebrate our little man’s first birthday. We were joined by many family and friends to celebrate the blessing that Cason is to us and the joy he brings to all of our lives. It’s so hard to believe he’s one already!  I’m not really sure where the past year went! As sad as it is that my baby is growing up so quickly, it’s also really fun to watch him grow and change and learn new things. He constantly amazes me with his huge personality, gifted little brain, and all the cute that just oozes from his very being. (I’m not biased or anything!)

We spent the month of June preparing to move into our very first home. After many hurdles, frustrations, setbacks, and a lot of prayers, we finally closed on June 30^th. We started moving right away and it took us about four days to get everything out of the old house and into the new one. There’s no way we could have done it without the selfless help of several friends and family members who worked tirelessly to help us complete this endeavor. For the record, I don’t ever want to move again!!!

One week after closing on our house, we headed off to Athens. I had to go up to UGA to get my AP Language certification and I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my two guys for an entire week, so O’Neal (being the awesome husband and daddy that he is) took a week’s vacation and he and Cason went with me. Even though I was in class every day, it was so great being up there with my two guys. We got to see each other at lunch and on some of my breaks. When I was finished with class we spent the evenings walking campus and downtown Athens. Cason loved being outside so much, he would cry every time we went back into the hotel room! And O'Neal and Cason enjoyed hanging out together while I was in class.  

The week after we got back from Athens, Cason had his appointment with the pediatric GI specialist. Since he was about nine months old he has been unable to tolerate foods with weird textures or chunks. His pediatrician said it could be a GI issue, or it could be a sensitivity to textures. She referred us to the GI specialist to rule out any GI problems he could have before we look at food therapy for a texture sensitivity. The visit didn’t give us any definite answers like we had hoped, but thankfully, was not as traumatic or scary as I was afraid it would be. The doctor basically took a history and asked me a bunch of questions and concluded that it could be reflux, or it could be two other things: asthma he will grow out of or Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE).  Basically, his case is kind of puzzling. For now they are taking the least invasive route and treating him for reflux. He’s on medicine that we will try for two months. We have a follow up in September and will then determine if the medicine is helping. If not, then it’s on to some testing to see what they can find. We’re praying it’s just as simple as reflux and that it can be controlled with medicine and he will grow out of it quickly and soon be able to eat normally.

This last week Mom and Dad told me they were heading to Florida for a few days to visit some family. So Cason and I decided to squeeze in one last little road trip while we could and we crashed Mom and Dad’s mini vacay. But they promised they didn’t mind! J We had fun seeing some family and just spending time together. We really missed Daddy while we were gone, though!

I’ve also gotten in a few crafting projects this summer like this cool wreath for our front door, 

these little books of cards (birthday, special occasions, meaningful notes, etc.) for each member of the family,

and this pretty sweet growth chart to track how much our little man is growing.

I also worked hard to de-clutter and organize as we moved into our new home. We even had a garage sale to dump our extra stuff! I’ve had lots of fun getting us settled and starting to decorate the house to help make it a home. The blinds finally got installed yesterday and that's made a big difference. It doesn't really feel like home when you're using bed sheets for blinds! We still have plenty to do to really be "settled," but such is the life of a home owner, right?!

Other than that I've spent time doing one of the most important things and that's snuggling and playing with this sweet boy...

Before I headed back to work this morning, the Lord dumped a pretty poignant devotion in my inbox. It reminded me that God sees me and He knows my heart. I just have to remember to trust Him and His timing and know that He has a plan for me and that I have a purpose to fulfill where He has placed me right now. It's my prayer that as I daily enter the mission field that is my classroom, my students will see Jesus in me. And of course, I'll be remembering that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

Encouragement For the Working Mom

There seem to be a lot of blogs flooding my Facebook news feed lately. These blogs are geared toward moms. Specifically moms who stay at home. Well I’m a working mom and I know there are a lot of other working moms out there, too. Whether it’s intentional or not, these blogs make me feel inferior as a mom and like I’m doing something horribly wrong by working outside the home. They make me feel like I don’t truly experience motherhood because I don’t stay with my baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  They seem to highlight all the things I am missing. And trust me. I don’t need to be reminded of this because it weighs on my mind all the time. Every day when I go to work I leave a huge piece of my heart at home and I don’t get it back until I walk through that door every afternoon and that sweet baby is in my arms. I would give anything to be the one who gets to hold my baby when he naps during the day. Who gets to comfort him when he cries. Hear his belly laughs all day long. Watch him do something new for the first time. I hate being made to feel like I’m less of a mom because I work outside the home. I hate being made to feel like I’m not fulfilling God’s purpose for my life and like my life as a mom is not difficult, demanding, or even important. And I hate being made to feel like I don’t trust God because I don’t just throw my hands up in the air, quit my job and shout “God will provide!” (That may have been where the Lord led you, but that is not where God is leading my family.) Maybe all these feelings are justified. Or maybe they are all fabricated in my head because my heart is at home and that’s not where I get to be.

I was able to stay at home with Cason for sixteen weeks after he was born. Sure it was difficult, exhausting, demanding, and so very hard to accomplish anything that felt remotely productive throughout the day. But now I’m back to work and for me, it is ten times harder. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. And even spiritually. I’m thankful I’m in the teaching profession because I only work 190 days a year and get relatively long breaks here and there to be home with him. I CHERISH those days. Cherish them so much that sometimes I practically barricade the door and sit at home all day and just hold my little boy. Just me and him. And when nothing gets done around the house on those days I don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt. But oh I wish those days could be my every day.

I always get nervous when I post a blog because I'm always afraid of offending someone unintentionally. Please know this is not a post about which is harder- working or staying at home. They are both difficult and for very different reasons. But I know I can’t be the only one who struggles with these feelings and who is tired of being made to feel inferior.This is simply a blog post for working moms, because we all need a little encouragement that’s written specifically for us. So here goes…….

You are a great mom. You are doing what is necessary or what is best for your family. You may be going to work because you have to. My heart aches for you. Or you may be going to work because you choose to. And that’s okay, you’re a great mom. But either way, you’re probably tired. What you’re doing is hard. Your baby might not sleep through the night, so neither do you. Then you get up and go to work for eight hours, ten hours, twelve hours. You don’t get to go back to sleep after that early morning feeding. You don’t get to nap when your baby naps. You spend all day at work under the demands and pressures that are placed on you there. And you’re exhausted. Then you come home. There’s a baby (or babies) who have missed you and who want your attention. They want your time, your kisses and snuggles. They need to be fed. Bathed. Read to. Played with. You have a husband who needs your attention, too, because after all, before you were a mommy, you were a wife. And you have a house- a house that needs to be cleaned. You have groceries that need to be bought. Laundry that needs to be washed, folded, and put away. Dinner that needs to be cooked. Lunches that need to be made. And all the while you’re exhausted. But you keep on doing it with a smile on your face (most of the time) because you are an awesome mom and because you love your family so much it hurts. And because you want to do the most you can for your family to the best of your ability and you pour everything you have into working hard both inside and outside of the home.  You are trying to be all things for all the different people in your life- wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc. And that is so very hard sometimes. And you might not have time to fix healthy, completely organic meals made from scratch because you’d rather sit and rock your baby after that long, exhausting day you just had. That’s okay. You might not have time to do those awesome crafts you pinned the other day because you’d rather read a book or snuggle on the couch. And that’s okay. Your house might not be spotless because you’d rather spend time playing on the floor with your kids. And that’s okay. Or you could be like me and when you actually get to wash the clothes they sit on a chair until you wear them and they are dirty again. And you know what? That’s okay. Give yourself a break. Let go of that pressure you feel to “measure up” to those other women who have an extra eight, ten, or twelve hours a day at home. Know that for you the most important thing is time. Time spent with your husband. Time spent with your kids. One of the many things I have learned in my eight short months of being a mom- time goes by way too fast. Read all the books you can. Give all the hugs and snuggles you can. Spend as much time as you can sitting, rocking, snuggling, kissing, singing, reading, and smelling that sweet baby’s head because that baby will not be little forever. When your kids are grown then you can have the perfectly kept house, the laundry that is always folded, the to-do list that actually gets accomplished, and the meals that are organic and made from scratch. In the meantime, take a deep breath, extend yourself some grace and realize that what you are doing is difficult, amazing, and selfless all at once. And you’re amazing at being a working mom and juggling it all. You truly are superwoman. What you are doing matters. And no you can’t do all. But guess what? No one can.

And if you’re in a position where you can be a stay at home mom and you’re still reading, please do me a favor: If you have friends who are working moms, please encourage them. Please tell them how awesome they are and how wonderful it is that they are working so hard to take care of their family. And most of all- please pray for them. For grace, strength, energy, wisdom, and patience. Because working moms need all these things, too. 

What I Mean When I Say My Heart is at Home

Yesterday I completed my first week back to work after having my sweet baby boy. I was so blessed to be able to take extended maternity leave and stay home with him for 16 weeks. All throughout this week people have been asking me how things have been going and it’s so hard for me to truly answer because when I start to talk about it this lump appears in my throat and I feel the tears well up behind my eyes. So if you really want to know, here’s how it went:

This has probably been the most difficult week of my life. Every day my heart feels like it’s breaking because I have to leave my son in the care of someone else. Each day is an uphill battle because my heart aches to be at home with my baby.

While I was at home on leave I felt so relaxed, so happy, and so fulfilled. There was time to do things throughout the day. I got to spend all day with my baby, watching him learn, change, and grow. I had time to do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean my house, and cook meals. I felt like a great wife and mother. Four days back at work and I already feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, and even a teacher. I have zero time to do anything at work or at home. I am exhausted at the end of the day. Plus, I’ve been away from my son for about nine hours, why would I want to do anything when I'm at home other than hold him?

I’m not one of those people who thinks the woman’s place is in the home, but for me, that’s where I want to be. My heart is at home. My home is my domain. I want to take care of the cleaning, the cooking, and the laundry throughout the day so that when my husband comes home from working all day, he can relax and we can all spend time together as a family because there’s nothing pressing that needs to be done around the house. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed with an amazingly sweet and supportive husband. He happily shares in the household responsibilities when I’m working because he knows there’s not time to get it all done. But I hate that. I hate that after working twelve hour days, he has to come home and do more work in the evening and on his days off just so it doesn’t get out of control around here and so we have clean clothes to wear the next day and a clean plate from which to eat.

And while I’m talking about things I hate, I hate that my son’s caregivers get the best part of his day. I hate that they get about nine hours a day with him and I get about five. I hate that they see him growing and changing every day and that by the time I get him in the afternoons he’s so tired he sleeps all evening and I get maybe one hour of awake time with him. And while I am SO, SO blessed that we have amazing friends and family who love my son and take great care of him and that he’s NOT going to day care, I still hate all these things. It. Is. Just. Not. Fair. I hate that when I am with him I struggle to find joy because I look at his sweet face and cry knowing that in a few short hours I will leave him again for the day. It’s hard to enjoy the present when there’s always tomorrow morning looming over me. I hate that life is like this. Life shouldn't feel this stressful, unbalanced, overwhelming, and hurried. 

And let’s not forget about the work aspect of it all. As if it’s not enough feeling like I’m shortchanging and failing my son and my husband, I feel like I can’t keep up at work. Teaching is so rewarding. But it’s a hard job. It is stressful. It is overwhelming. I now also suffer from the guilt of feeling like I can’t even give my students my best because I’m just trying to make it through the day so I can run from that building and rush to my son. 

So how is it going? Well I’m frazzled. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m broken. I’m desperate. Desperate for God to reach down into our lives and make a way for me to be at home with him son. I’m doing the best that I can to be all that I need to be to my husband, my son, and my students. I’m doing my best to trust in the Lord and lean on Him every day for the grace and strength I need to get through it. And I’m clinging to the belief that the Lord has set this desire in my hear to be at home and that He will bring it to fruition in His time.  And I'm doing my best to be patient and to find peace and contentment in my current circumstances. But I feel like I'm in the struggle of a life time. 

So instead of asking me how it’s going or telling me it’s going to get better (it may have gotten better for you, but we’re not same person and each morning it gets harder and harder to kiss him good-bye), please just give me a hug and say a prayer for me to have strength to make it through the day.

Now I have to go hold my son and cherish this day because all too soon Monday morning will be here and I’ll be saying good-bye again. 

God's Grace is Sufficient

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~

Since I have become a mommy, this verse has become my mantra. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, anxiety-causing, rewarding, fulfilling, and joyous thing I have ever experienced. Before you have kids everyone tells you what it’s going to be like. You think you know; you think you’re prepared, but you don’t really know and you aren’t really prepared until that day comes when they put that precious little baby in your arms and send you home! It’s true what they say: a baby changes everything.

In these first three months of mommyhood my weakness has been my attitude- especially  in the middle of the night when baby decides it’s time to wake up to eat (again) and I’m so exhausted I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past three months it’s that all the ugly in your heart comes pouring out in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted and cranky. And man, do I have some ugly!

About three weeks after Cason was born, I was upset and crying because he wasn’t on a good schedule (he loved being awake between about midnight and 3AM) and he wasn’t sleeping for long periods of time. I had just read a popular parenting book and it totally derailed me emotionally. I was trying to implement the principles of this book (which was supposed to be the magic solution) and it just wasn’t working, which of course made me feel like a loser mom. I was exhausted, hormonal, and frustrated. (Word to the wise- when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived, DO NOT read books that tell you how to parent!)  During this time I sought advice from another mommy friend who said to me, “God’s power is made perfect in your weakness.” At first I was like, “Ummm…..thanks?”  While it stuck in my brain, it didn’t exactly sink in. A few nights later that verse popped up in my devotion and the significance of it really hit me and I realized she did know what she was talking about after all. J I knew what I needed was a heart transformation so my attitude would improve, but heart transformations are hard and they usually take time. Our sin nature doesn’t just change overnight. So for the next few weeks this verse became my anthem. I committed it to memory and repeated it over and over when I felt myself becoming frustrated at whatever the situation was- when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing as a mom, when I was super tired and not happy about waking up for a 3 AM feeding, when I experienced a parenting fail, or when I was irritated that my sweet husband could somehow sleep through the cacophony of a screaming baby- and that he even had the luxury of sleeping for more than two hours at a time!

Even though life has greatly improved from those first few weeks of no sleep, there are still new obstacles and challenges to overcome every day. And just when I think we have Cason on a good schedule and it’s smooth sailing, he throws us a little change and we have to adjust all over again. The bottom line is this: I can’t do any of this parenting stuff on my own. I can’t do the hard things (like waking up joyfully in the middle of the night for a feeding and a diaper change, or extending grace to my husband who is still sleeping because he has to get up and work in two hours)  in my own strength. These are my weaknesses and God’s grace is sufficient to keep me going and get me through. And when I can wake up with joy, extend grace to my sleeping husband and my crying son, and feel like I have it together as a mom (for that one second!), I know it’s not because of me, but because of God’s grace and His power that rescued me in my weakness. It’s in my weaknesses that Christ’s power is magnified; therefore, I will boast of my weaknesses in hopes that I can glorify the Lord, His power, and His workings in my life.

It’s the nights that I recognize my need for God’s power in my life and that I lean on that power to be made perfect in my weakness that I can go about my mommy duties with happiness and joy. And then I can look at the times I’m up with my son in the middle of the night (although they are, thankfully, occurring less and less) and be thankful for that sweet time with him to hold him, feed him, breathe his sweet baby smell, cuddle with him, and pray over him. All too soon these days will be over and the opportunities to spend this type of quality time with him will be gone forever.  

I’m thankful the Lord never leaves me where I am, but constantly uses even the most normal, mundane opportunities to teach me things about myself and about Him as He refines the areas in my life that need it. And by God’s grace, I will be able to complete the difficult tasks ahead of me with joy and with grace as I rest on his power to be made perfect in my many weaknesses. 

A Love Like No Other

I’ve been doing some thinking about this week we call Holy Week. For some reason this year it has hit me in a whole new way. This is my 27^th Easter and while it has always been an important season to celebrate, the real magnitude of it is sinking in this time, deeply sinking in. Yes I have always understood what Easter means. It means that Jesus Christ committed an act of utmost mercy when He knowingly faced persecution, torture, and death on the cross so that we, dirty, broken, and undeserving sinners, might have eternal life and not receive the punishment of death we so richly deserve. But perhaps one thing I have never deeply considered is the events of Holy Week in their entirety. I started thinking about all this on Palm Sunday and then I stumbled upon John Piper’s book Love to the Uttermost: Devotional Readings for Holy Week. And wow, is this really transforming my thinking!

 I always go about Palm Sunday like it’s a normal day, not really stopping to reflect upon the fact that on that day Jesus “set his face towards Jerusalem,” which means He knew full well He was setting his face towards death. When he entered Jerusalem that day, He knew what was coming and He knew the price He would be paying for all of us. He knew He would be persecuted, beaten, tortured, and then hung on a cross to die with the weight of the world’s sin on His shoulders.  And He did all of this of His own free will. I go about Good Friday like it’s just a normal day, not stopping to think about how on this day, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and paid the ultimate price: He died on the cross to save me from my sins and was buried in a tomb. Instead, what I always seem to focus on is the celebration of His resurrection from the dead on Easter Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a phenomenal thing to celebrate because without His death and resurrection life would be a hopeless waste for all of us. But this year, the events leading up to that resurrection mean so much more to me. I wonder how, for so many years, I have been able to go about the days of this week so normally, never stopping to give thought or honor to what my Jesus must have been experiencing in these days leading up to His death all those years ago. He was, after all, human, just like you and me.

This week I am striving to fix my gaze on Jesus Christ and to remember, appreciate, and be humbled by what He endured during His final week on earth as He prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save me and you. And you know, given how much and how often we fail Him, and how we can so easily go on about our days, consumed with our lives, never giving thought, homage, or even a simple “thank you” to the price He paid for us, if He had it to do all over again, you know He would in a heartbeat.

That is a love like no other.

“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” Titus 3:5

Download your free copy of Piper’s book and allow the intense love of the Father to transform you, too.

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/books/love-to-the-uttermost

Goodness and Grace

 Many of you are aware of the struggles and trials our family has gone through the past few weeks with O’Neal’s sister Stacy’s  illness. While it’s true these have been physically, emotionally, and mentally difficult days, it’s even more true that God has been at work during every single minute. I am excited to share just one of the examples of how God has been so good and gracious during this journey. On January 10^th we were told by the doctors that Stacy only had about 24 hours to live (thankfully they were wrong and she's still with us!). Just six days from then O’Neal and I were scheduled to find out the gender of our baby. Stacy was so excited to know if she would have a niece or nephew and we didn't even want to think about the possibility that she might not be here to find out.  That night I asked a nurse if it would be possible to get an ultrasound done in the hospital so we could tell Stacy the gender. I figured it would be a long shot and there’d be lots of red tape and insurance issues. It seemed our time was short and I was concerned it would be difficult to work out; I prayed that God would somehow make it happen so we could tell Stacy this good news. The next morning my mother-in-law saw one of the doctors…and not the one we expected to see that day. She explained to Dr. Lowery the situation and asked what she could do for us. It turned out that Dr. Lowery’s husband does sonography for OB oncology and he happened to be working that day. (Although we know none of this was coincidence or happenstance, but God orchestrating the situation.)  Amazingly, within thirty minutes, Dr. Lowery’s husband was standing outside Stacy’s door with a resident who had swiped an ultrasound machine. Not only were they able to tell us the gender that day, but they were able to do the ultrasound in the room with Stacy where she could see for herself! It was one of the most special and amazing moments of our lives and we were all overwhelmed by the greatness of God. Not only did God answer our prayer, but He did so in ways greater than what we expected. I was simply hoping for an ultrasound somewhere in that hospital, never did I imagine we’d get a machine in the room so we could all share this together! We share this story as a testimony to the depth of the Father’s love for us and how He will lavish us with His goodness and grace, even in the darkest times. We truly serve a mighty and loving God! 

A New Perspective

O’Neal and I very recently took a seven day cruise around the Western Caribbean. We sailed on the largest cruise boat in the world. Seriously. It was Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas. In addition to being the largest boat in the world, this particular one also boasts several “onlys” like being the only cruise boat to have a Zip line, a FlowRider , a carousel, and a rock climbing wall. It has over 24 restaurants, three theaters, an ice skating rink, mini golf, Central Park (modeled after the real deal in New York City), and a top notch spa and fitness center - just to name a few features. To say the least, anyone breathing would stand on this ship and be in awe. And we definitely were.

This cruise took us to three places in the Caribbean: Haiti, Jamaica, and Mexico. Before boarding the boat, I had expectations of visiting these beautiful places and being wowed, amazed, and in awe of the beautiful waters, pristine beaches, and gorgeous sights and scenes. And I definitely was. However, there was something that I saw and experienced that I never imagined I would on a vacation such as this: poverty. In Jamaica and Mexico we drove through towns that were dirty, run down, and falling apart. We passed houses that were not much more than a few sticks, some sheet metal, and a tarp. There were communities without running water and electricity. In Jamaica, people put large buckets on top of their houses to catch the rain water so they can cook, drink, wash clothes, etc. I think Haiti was the worst. It is known for being an impoverished, and even dangerous, country where people still live in mud huts without running water and electricity. It is truly a developing country. However, in each of these three cities, our tour guides, all natives of their respective countries, were sure to tell us how much they enjoy, appreciate, and rely on American tourists. In Haiti, our guide said the town of Labadee has almost doubled in size thanks to Royal Caribbean purchasing a portion of their land. People flocked to the town to get a better job and make a better life for their family. In the words of our guide, “Thanks to Royal Caribbean and tourists like you, we now having water, electricity, and internet in Labadee.” Talk about an eye-opener. Here we are, over 6,000 individuals from over 70 countries enjoying our several thousand dollar vacation and here are people just happy to have running water and the opportunity to make more money to provide for their families. That brought new meaning to the word “conflicted.” I spent half the time feeling like I was doing a good thing by purchasing their goods and services. But then I spent the other half feeling ashamed because I have so much and they have so little.

It was no different on the boat. Most of the 2,400 crew members of the Allure are from countries other than the US. They leave their families to travel around on the boat for seven months straight, with no days off in between, just so they can provide a better way of life for their spouses, children, and parents. Our waiter was from Trinidad and Tobago. One night he was asking us about what we thought of the boat. He gave us his opinion: it was so big and had so much that it was just plain ridiculous. Who in the world needs a boat with all this stuff? Isn’t just being able to enjoy the beautiful waters of the Caribbean with your friends and family while being able to experience other countries enough? While we were talking about the boat and all its impressive attributes, the word excessive came to mind. Oh, and all the while you’re cruising on this magnificent boat and visiting these beautiful countries, heaven forbid you lift a finger to do anything for yourself. (We determined that when your kid spills a drink on the floor and doesn’t clean it up because that’s what the staff is for, you’ve got problems.)

Don’t get me wrong. We had a marvelous time on our vacation. We loved everything we got to see and experience and we are so thankful that God gave us the opportunity to go on such a nice vacation. We are so grateful. It was a blessing to be able to spend so much time together and to get away from the pressures, obligations, and responsibilities of life. However, I came home feeling so thankful for what we have in America. I know our country isn’t perfect, but at least I have electricity, running water, and a solid roof over my head. At least my husband doesn’t have to leave our family for months on end just to make a better paycheck so we can survive.  I came back a little more relaxed, a little more rested, a little tanner, and a lot more aware of just how much I take my life and the things in it for granted. Who knew God could use a little vacation to teach me so much? 

A New Summer Means a New Beginning

As a teacher, I tend to measure years according to the school calendar. To me, the start of a new school year is more of a turning point or an opportunity for a new start than the beginning of a new calendar year. What’s so spectacular about looking at new beginnings this way is you have the whole entire summer to reflect upon the past year and to prepare for a fresh start in August.  This is a large part of why I’m so thankful for summer vacations. For teachers, these weeks consist of much needed days of rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation. It’s during this time that I tend to take a look back to the past year, inventory its events, and classify it as being a good year or a bad year. Looking back on this year, it is by far the hardest year I have ever had, both personally and professionally. However, if there’s one thing I have learned through all of it, it’s that God is faithful and He is so, so good. So, here's the story: 

The day of last year’s open house was the day our lives turned upside down. We had knowingly walked into a pretty significant change in our lives, fully believing this was where God was calling us. However, we had no idea just how much our lives would change and how difficult things would become. Long story short, we walked through the darkest and deepest valley for many weeks before the Lord delivered us from it. While it was the hardest thing we have ever had to face, we learned so much.  God was SO faithful to us, He was so good, and He provided in ways that could only be explained as God. While going through this time, we still felt (and do to this day) that God brought us there. Why He allowed us to experience such a difficult time we may never fully know, but God in His infinite wisdom had a perfect plan for us. During these months we grew as individuals, grew as believers, and grew as a husband and a wife. While tough times often rip married couples apart, this only strengthened our marriage as we clung more closely to the Lord and to each other every day.  

Although we have hit many other hurdles this year after that valley- surprise you have mono, unruly and challenging students, stresses and pressures at work, family illness, starting a new business, finishing a specialist degree, etc.- every obstacle pales in comparison to that time of trial. Maybe that’s why the Lord allowed us to go there. Now we certainly have a better perspective on difficulties in life and a deeper faith and a greater reliance on the Lord. Now that we are out of the valley, we can look back on it with a deeper understanding of who God is and who we are. While we don’t ever want to experience a trial like that again, we are thankful that we did, and wouldn’t trade the lessons we learned through it for anything.

I’m always in awe of how big God is, how much He cares for us, and just how faithful He is. When thinking about how God was with us then and how He’s with us now, I’m reminded of a song by Matt Redman called Never Once: Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did You leave us on our own, You are faithful, God, You are faithful. Every step we are breathing in Your grace, Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise, You are faithful, God, You are faithful. This is where I want to be every day: depending on the Lord 100% for every breath, every step, and every moment of every day.

Sometimes my awe of the Lord just bubbles up inside me and it has to escape. At times, I want to climb a mountain top and proclaim His goodness and grace. No one may ever read this, but if anyone does, I pray that in this you see a testimony to the goodness and steadfastness of our Lord Jesus Christ. I leave you with this verse from Lamentations 3:22-24: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” I pray that we will never forget God’s goodness and his favor on our lives, that we will always remember that each day brings with it new mercies, that we will constantly be reminded of the great faithfulness of the Lord, and that our souls will patiently hope in the Lord for He will be our portion.