Capturing the Moment

The boy who made me a mom recently turned four. FOUR! His birthday always makes me mushy an emotional wreck sentimental nostalgic.

Lately I've been reminded of how precious life is and that our little guy (just like every other baby) is a miracle. He is a picture of God's goodness and grace. And he teaches me so much about myself. Being his mama is humbling- especially when I see the worst parts of myself spewing out of him! He has more energy than I could ever dream of having. He's vivacious. And creative. And silly. And playful. And just full of life. (Also strong willed as they come and determined as the day is long, but I'm certain those qualities will serve him well one day.) He LOVES people.

I snapped this picture of him the other day when we were playing in the backyard. He's just growing so fast. I wanted to freeze this moment of time and capture the little details of my baby boy- who, much to my dismay, is not really a baby anymore. I love this picture because it captures so much of his personalty and his little toddler quirks and preferences.

Here he is.

Playing in his pajamas
Shoes without socks
Outside

Everything about this picture is a detail I wanted to remember. If we don't have to go anywhere he wants to stay in his pjs all day so he "won't be cold." (But who doesn't want to stay in pjs all day?) When he goes to play outside he just throws on his tennis shoes and doesn't bother with socks. His favorite place to be is outside. He can play outside for hours- even if he has no one to play with! His great big imagination keeps him plenty occupied.  I love all these details of his cute, quirky little personality and I don't want to forget them.

Every time he has hit a new stage, said or done something funny, or changed in any way, I always tell myself, "I'll never forget this." But it happens. I forget so much as the days go by. But I don't want to forget the sound of his little toddler voice. The look of his chubby little wrists and his round baby face (because those features are looking less little baby and more and more little boy every day😭)The sound of his laugh. The way he can perfectly impersonate a t-Rex. How he lives in a constant state of imagination filled with dragons, dinosaurs, and Rescue Bots. His preferences for clothing, snacks, games, toys, etc. Or how he went through a phase where he only talked like Sid the Sloth. Or the cute names he has for certain objects (like we call Oreos "chocolate milk" in our house). Or the funny way he says certain words and phrases (elphanent, granilla bar, basiketball).

So I try my best to capture these details. To help me remember what I will inevitably forget. Because it's true what they say. The days are long but the years are short. And I don't want to forget one detail about this sweet, precious gift- this boy who made me a mommy.

A Kiss From Jesus

Y'all. I just need to take a minute and testify.

Apart from a brief twelve day stint at work in early August, I have been enjoying some very sweet days at home full time since the end of May. Anyone who knows me knows that my heart's desire is to be at home with my babies.

This past week was my first week at work after Darcy's birth. It was all you would expect: crazy, overwhelming, and exhausting.  One of the things that makes me the saddest about not being home, is knowing that the chances of me missing many "firsts" within the first year are pretty high. With Cason I prayed about that a lot. And God is so very gracious that He allowed me to be present for all of Cason's first moments. From his first smiles to his first steps I was there. I can't even begin to tell you the gratitude I feel for being able to witness every one of those moments. I figured expecting that the second time around might be asking a bit much.

I've been trying really hard to be a big girl and not to complain, but this past week my heart was a bit heavy as the reality of what it means to be away from my babies all day hit me again. On Friday night, after a long and draining week, I was on the couch with Darcy and all of a sudden, she threw back her head and let out the most beautiful little laugh. Over and over again. Her first real belly laughs. It was music to my ears and nearly brought me to tears. It was like a kiss from Jesus, and a salve to this tired mama's soul.

I am so grateful I serve a God who knows me. Who sees me. And who gives me just what I need at the exact moment I need it.

Finding Meaning in the Mourning

I guess know that I'm somewhat of a control freak. Because of this, I have the need to make meaning out of just about everything- especially the hard things. I have a hard time accepting that things happen just because, so I tend to think about things to figure them out. A LOT. And writing helps me process all those things I'm thinking.

We are three weeks post miscarriage and these three weeks have been hard. And there have been feelings. And confusion. And questions. And learning. And fear. And doubt. And just a roller coaster of up and down. I believe that God has a purpose and a plan for everything and I don't want this pain that we have experienced to be wasted so I want to share some things I have been learning the past few weeks as we've walked this road.

First, the ability to give God glory in the hard times does not come from being some kind of a "super believer." I feel like giving Him the glory is a matter of survival. If we don't glorify God in this, then what's it all for? In all things we seek to look to Christ for peace, strength, grace, and understanding. I'm not a perfect believer. I struggle in my walk with Christ. But I believe in the truths of the Bible and I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe He's working all things for our good and for His glory. I believe that He has a better plan for my life than I have for myself and while I don't always understand that plan I will choose to put my hope and my faith in Him and I will choose to glorify Him, especially in the hard times.

I have learned the importance of thankfulness. From the moment my fears of a miscarriage were confirmed, I have tried to look for things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that nothing takes God by surprise. I can see God's hand in the timing and the way this all unfolded. I'm learning to be grateful that the Lord entrusted this baby to us for the time He did. While I never got to hold that baby or kiss his or her sweet cheeks, and while I will never see that little one grow up, I'm thankful I was able to carry that sweet life for a while- even if it was a short while. I'm thankful that the Lord saw fit to heal our baby in Heaven so we didn't have to watch him or her suffer in this world. And I am thankful for the hope and the promise that we will see our baby when we meet Jesus in Heaven.

I have gained a new sensitivity toward people who are grieving. And I have learned that sometimes it's better to say something, even if it's not the perfect thing, than to say nothing at all. Grief from loss can be such an isolating experience and while a person going through a loss may seem like they want to be left alone, sometimes they just need for someone to be brave enough to step into the awkwardness of the pain and give them a hug. And I am so, so incredibly grateful for the people who did that for me.

But also, I have learned more about what it means to be sensitive with your words. In the past few weeks I have been asked several times about how many children we have and if we plan or want to have more. While I know these are perfectly innocent questions and they were asked by strangers or individuals who had no idea what we've experienced, they always sting a little. That's taught me to be careful with my words because who knows what a person has been through in the past or is going through right now? Words matter. And they are not easily forgotten.

Lastly, I like to build "memorial stones" like the Israelites did to remember God and what He's done. For example, we walked through a pretty tough valley back in 2011. There was one scripture we always came back to for strength and encouragement. When we came out on the other side of that trial, I had a friend paint that scripture for us and it hangs in our house. Every time we see it we're reminded of God's faithfulness during that time in our lives. Through this valley there's been several scriptures that have stuck out to me, but there's one song in particular that has really been a comfort- Michael W. Smith's "Sovereign Over Us." So I hung this in our house to be reminded of God's love and faithfulness- now and always. And seeing this gives me peace because it reminds me that God is sovereign and even though life may feel out of control right now, He is definitely in control.

And I also wanted to have something to remember our sweet baby, but in a way that would point us to Christ each time we saw it. I thought a lot about what to do for this memorial stone and looked around for ideas. I put a few different things together and came up with this:

I love this because when I see it, instead of being sad, it gives me hope and reminds me that even when life does not work out the way we want, God is still good. We prayed for this baby and rejoiced when that prayer was answered. Then we began to pray for an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy, full-term baby. When things started to go wrong, we prayed for God's protection over our baby. Even though God did not answer those prayers in the way we wanted, we know He is still good.

I hope that in reading this, you see the great big God behind our story. I hope that what we have experienced and the lessons we have learned will be able to help someone else who may be walking this same road. And more than anything, I hope you're able to see just how loving, faithful, perfect, and good our God really is.

A Little Life Lesson on I-95

It’s funny how much parenthood can teach you about yourself. And how much being a parent can teach you about the Lord.

I was driving down I-95 the other day with Cason in the car and I was getting cold, so I grabbed one of his blankets from the back seat. A blanket, might I add, that he didn’t even know existed until I touched it. Not two seconds after I took that blanket I hear this shrill, “MIIINNEEE!!!” from the back of the car. And for (what felt like) five minutes, Cason repeatedly reminded me that the blanket was HIS and HE NEEDED THAT!!!

My first thought was what a little sinner! And I began to contemplate how evident the ugliness of the sinful heart is in a little two year old. Because they don’t hold anything back and what’s in their hearts comes out of their mouths! And seeing this as a teachable moment I proceeded to talk to Cason about how the blanket wasn’t really his and how great it was to share with others and that he wasn’t even using it anyway so it shouldn’t matter. None of that changed his mind at the moment, but I’m believing, hoping, and praying that the truths uncovered in these teachable moments will sink in one day!

So there I was, slightly amused and even judging my little toddler for his sinful toddler ways and at that moment the Lord gently spoke to my heart and said, “How many times do you act in the same selfish way, but you just keep those feelings on the inside? How often do you say of your time, talents, resources, finances, even possessions:  “MIINEEE!!!?” The only difference between a toddler and an adult is that toddlers say what’s on their hearts in the moment. But adults (usually) have the self-control to keep those feelings on the inside. This selfishness doesn’t (usually) manifest itself in the form of high-pitched shrieks and flailing arms and legs. But nevertheless, the heart attitude is the same, isn’t it?

While driving down I-95, what I thought was a teachable moment for my precious son ended up being a teachable moment for me. I often think that God must react to my shenanigans the same way I do to my son’s, but without the judging and with a lot more grace! And just as I desire with Cason, I know the Lord desires that the lessons behind these teachable moments will sink in one day, resulting in a heart change. While I definitely can’t say my heart is completely selfless now, I can say that I’m a little more aware of my selfish tendencies and a little more purposeful to take inventory of the state of my naturally selfish and sinful heart. And like in all things, by God’s grace may I become a little more selfless each day and may attitudes like “MIIIIINEEE” flow less and less from the heart of this sinner.Because after all, everything I have (my time, talents, resources, possessions, family, etc.) belongs to Him.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14   

The Emotions of Motherhood

Tonight as I watched my baby boy sleeping in his new big boy bed the night before he turns two, suddenly there was a lump in my throat and my eyes began to fill with tears. And I wondered- how did we get here so fast? It's so cliche I know, but I swear we just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. And I blinked and now he's turning two. And everyone always told me (well people still do) that it goes by so fast, so cherish it. I promise that I know it goes by fast. And I promise I'm cherishing every moment. But I also promise it is still flying by because one thing I do know, is that you just can't slow time down.

I don't even think I have the words to express the way this feels, but I'll give it a shot:

It's so hard, this watching your kid grow up thing. I honestly never knew I could love someone so much. Sometimes I feel like my heart may literally burst I feel so much love for him. And it only grows with each passing day. Watching him grow, change, and learn these past two years has been wonderful and fun and just plain joyous. His little personality is really beginning to shine. It's so amazing watching this little baby turn into a little person with his own opinions, ideas, and ways of doing things. Even in the midst of his little toddler attitude it's easy to see the kind of person he's becoming. He is kind and helpful. He's funny and silly, strong-willed and independent and has so much energy. And he's smart, too. He fills up our home and our lives with love, laughter, and joy. He's already taught us so much about patience, love, and living life to the fullest. Since becoming his parents we've learned about priorities and what really matters in life- making memories and spending time with the ones you love. It's just hard to remember life without him.

While I'm so happy he has the chance to grow up and experience life and (prayerfully) do great things for God, selfishly I want him to stay little forever. Because I'm not sure how many more times I can handle feeling that little squeeze on my heart when I think about him getting older. Starting school one day. Driving (eek!). Going to college. And (I can barely say it)....moving out, getting married, and having a family of his own. I know it'll be here in the blink of an eye. It's inevitable. It's part of life.

So I'll stare at him a little longer while he sleeps. Whisper prayers over him a little more often. Kiss his little face and tell him I love him a few more times each day. Thank God again for the gift of being this little guy's mommy. And work a little harder at cherishing each moment- even though I know it does nothing to slow down the speed at which life seems to be rushing by. And maybe one day I'll learn how to handle this watching your kid grow up thing. (And now I'm going to go have myself a good cry.)

Happy second birthday baby boy! May you always know how very much you are loved and cherished.

Xoxo

That Break We Had...Back in the Spring

Well Spring Break was a little while ago, but I have literally not. had.time. to sit down and post about our trip to DC. I know summer break is here and all, but just roll with me on this one. :)

We have some good friends in the DC area we wanted to see and we decided it would be super fun to take a toddler on a 10 hour road trip for Spring Break. I mean, if that's not your definition of fun, I don't know what is! We armed ourselves with a bucket of toys, books, snacks, and the I-Pad. We worked hard to entertain him and we prayed. A lot. Up until this point we'd been the no TV kind of parents and had decided no matter how rough things got in the car we would not break out the TV. We wanted him to learn how to entertain himself while he was in the car. In preparation for this loooonnggg drive, we flipped his seat around to face forward and put him in the middle of the backseat so he would be close to us and he could see everything. And we brought the IPad. Just in case of an emergency.

We left Easter Sunday around 8 PM and drove for several hours. We made it to Fayetteville, NC and stopped for the night. For the most part, Cason did pretty well in the car. We got up Monday morning and set out on the road again, next stop: DC! We planned to see Arlington National Cemetery and the National Mall in one day if we could swing it, The weather was supposed to be pretty bad the rest of the week so we reserved museums for those days. But as we all know, you just can't move as fast with a little one in tow. That didn't stop us from having our grand ambitions, though! We had to drive about 5 and 1/2 hours to get to Arlington from NC and we hit some pretty heavy traffic as we got into the city. Cason did pretty well. He slept some, and ate lots of goldfish and cheerios, but as we got closer to the city and into the traffic he started to get.....annoyed. So in a moment of desperation we broke out Curious George. Anything to get us to DC in one piece and with all our nerves in tact. George did the trick and Cason was a happy little guy the last hour of the drive. We made it to Arlington and were pulling INTO the parking garage when all of a sudden we hear the noise every parent dreads: the sound of the upchuck. Projectile. All over the car. And did I mention it was like a 100 degrees that day?! What was actually worse than the throw up was the realization that our child gets carsick and watching TV in the car-the one thing that was keeping everyone sane- would not be an option any longer. And all we could think about was the 10 hour drive we had back home at the end of the week. After seriously contemplating flying home and just buying a new car when we got back or simply relocating to DC without our belongings, we decided to try our best to forget the impending reality of the ride home and just enjoy our trip. Arlington was enjoyable and Cason loved being outside. However, after being strapped in the car seat for two days, guess who flat out refused to sit in the stroller? We even tried to tell him he could sit in it without being strapped down, but he didn't believe us. So, we were the crazy couple toting the toddler and pushing an empty stroller all over DC.

After Arlington it was late, the car smelled, and we were tired and hungry, so we skipped the National Mall and checked into our hotel. We rode a little shuttle bus to a nearby mall (which was awesome because car seats aren't required on the shuttle) and had dinner in the food court. O'Neal then decided our next vehicle purchase will be a 25 passenger van. Because hey, if it makes the kid happy, it must be good, right?!

Tuesday morning we got up and drove into the city but after about an hour, couldn't find a place to park (Hello Cherry Blossom Festival!). We drove out of the city and to our friends' house- they were our whole reason for going to DC in the first place. We were staying with them the rest of the week and spending time with them was the highlight of our trip! We hung out there for a while to rest and recover, then we went to the metro station and hopped a train back into DC. Too bad we can't just use a train to get everywhere because Cason LOVED riding that thing! We walked the National Mall and saw all the cool monuments but again, Cason flat out refused to sit in that stroller, and sometimes flat out refused to walk, so we (and when I say we I mean mostly O'Neal) carried him everywhere. (I know what you're thinking: the baby leash didn't work either. It has buckles and in his mind buckles equal restraint and that's a big fat no). We also walked over to the White House and took pictures in front of it. (Side note: we tried getting tickets for a tour but got denied. Unbelievable.) After walking 457 miles with a pretty cranky toddler who threw intermittent tantrums, we hopped back on the metro and went back to Ben and Faith's for a relaxing and fun evening.

Wednesday we went into DC again to see some museums. This time we ditched the stroller and loaded ourselves down like pack mules with the basic necessities for a day in the city with a toddler (translation: everything but the kitchen sink). We visited the Holocaust Museum and the Air and Space Museum. Those were pretty cool, but super crowded. It was overcast and damp so I'm assuming everyone else had the same idea we did: get inside. Visiting the Holocaust Museum was really powerful. I teach a unit on this every year and I've always wanted to visit the museum. Third time in DC and I finally had the opportunity.

Thursday we went to Mount Vernon, the home of George Washington. That was probably the coolest thing we saw on the trip.We visited the distillery and the mill and then walked his plantation, which was beautiful. That night, Ben and Faith were super gracious and watched Cason for us for a little while so we could go out on a date. We walked their two-story Target (which had an escalator for buggies!) and then drove to downtown Alexandria which was really beautiful. It reminded me of a cross between Savannah and Charleston and is now definitely on our list of places to go and stay for a while.

Friday was the dreaded drive home. We left that morning around 11AM and I am telling you, we prayed like never before. And had many others praying for us as well. I was a bundle of nerves and felt like we were riding with a ticking time bomb in the back seat. I wasn't sure if he was going to barf everywhere (we'd purposefully been doing very short distances in the car throughout the week just in case it wasn't the TV after all but facing forward that made him sick) or come completely unglued. I'm pretty sure we could go on the road as child entertainers because we pulled out all the stops that day to keep the little guy happy. We tried to stop every 2-3 hours to give him a break and let him run around a bit and each time he got back in the car seat without too much of a protest. Maybe it was because Faith told him that Curious George gets in his car seat when he goes places. That worked the first time he went in the car that day and we've been using it ever since. (Thanks Faith!) Around 9 PM we were about 45 minutes from home. Cason did well all day long and the end was finally in sight so I began to breathe...just a little. I was driving about 80 miles an hour down 95 in the left lane and all of a sudden our front right right tire blew. Praise the Lord we were able to pull over and I never lost control of the car. But it was very scary being on the side of 95 and O'Neal changing a tire on the traffic side of the road with it being pitch black outside. We were out there for about an hour and a half but with the help of his parents who kindly drove out there to meet us, O'Neal got the spare on and we were off again.

                                                     

 

(On the side of I-95!)

I don't think I have ever been so happy to see home in my life! We were basically comatose for two days trying to recover from just the ride home I think! Overall, we had a really fun time. Our fellowship with our friends was wonderfully refreshing and we enjoyed spending time together as a family. We saw some cool things and made some good memories and God reminded us of His provision, protection, and faithfulness in all things.

People keep asking up what we're doing this summer and our answer is always the same: staying home! :)

To my precious son: Please stop growing!

Y'all. I. Cannot. Deal.

My baby boy is almost TWO! I look at him and I wonder where in the world did the time go? Didn't we just bring him home from the hospital yesterday?!

I have to know- how do parents do this?! This whole watching your kid grow up thing. I have never known such a bittersweet feeling as the one I feel when I look at him and see the amazing little boy he is and think of the amazing little baby he used to be- yesterday!! Before Cason was born I promised myself that I would be good about cherishing each moment and not wasting time each day with things that don't matter but instead focus on the playing, the reading, the cuddling, and the making of the memories becauae it does go by fast. But then when I blinked and almost two years have gone by I have to stop and wonder: am I really making each moment count? Or have I gotten so swept up in life that I'm again consumed with "busyness" that causes me to focus on the less important things more than focusing on what truly matters?

As a working mom, it's hard to find balance. (Yes. I'm going there again. Can't help it. This is my life.) It's tough (or impossible?) working an 8-9 hour a day job and then coming home around 5:00 and trying to squeeze in several hours worth of other "work" (cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, other errands/activities that are necessary) along with dinner, bath time, fun, and making memories with your family- all before bedtime rolls around. After having a baby, I think it's safe to say I'm about 1/3 as productive as I used to be before I became a mom. And for this type A girl, that's a big deal. I think I'm learning to live with the fact that for every two things I cross off my to-do list, I have to add four more because it just takes that long to get things done. Slowly but surely I'm coming around and learning to not let that bother me. Because I have one shot at this motherhood thing and I want to do it right. Because I don't want my son growing up thinking I don't pay attention to him because I'm too busy doing "things" that I think are necessary (like who cares if that basket of laundry doesn't get folded, or those dishes don't get loaded tonight, or that speck of dirt on the floor has to stay there for a few days?! Okay, most of the time I do. But I'm really working at trying to care less!)  And I don't want Cason growing up and being unable to remember me taking time to do fun things like playing on the floor with him, reading books, playing in the yard, or just talking to him because I was so busy being "busy at home." And I don't want to look at him on his graduation day and say "I wish I would have." Sure I do all of those fun "making memories" things and I purpose to sit down and just focus on Cason each day but often I fear I don't do it enough. So here's to being more intentional about living in the moment and remembering my priorities. Because man did they change the minute I first laid eyes on that precious baby.

And to any other moms who who are on this same road of denial that your child is growing up all while trying to find "balance" before your child goes to college- take heart mama! You're doing a great job! We will find a balance between having time to accomplish all the menial tasks each day requires and participating in and cherishing all the small, but oh so precious moments in between.

I don't really know what this post is about (I think I started in one place and ended in another). I suppose it's about motherhood. That it's hard. And scary (terrifying even!). And exhausting. And confusing. But it's also fun. And exciting. And joyful. And challenging. And well.......it's just awesome. But will somebody please stop the clock so my baby can stay a baby just a while longer?!